But last night she wanted me to come and visit her. Is she serious? That's like asking Jamie Lee Curtis to celebrate Halloween. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!! I am not doing it. And for a very simple reason....I am terrified of mice. And she has a mouse in her apartment. They are disgusting, flea carrying, germ filled creatures that should be killed on sight.
Is this fear irrational? Yes. Do I realise that its irrational? Yes. Do I care? No. There are a few stories that you need to know to understand why my mother is being mean to me.
True Story #1....Lets go back to when I am 11-12 years old. At the time my family was living in this dingy basement apartment. On day I walked into the bathroom to get a hairbrush, when I opened the drawer a mouse leaped out and clung to my sweater. Causing me to scream and jump around until the mouse "let go" of my sweater and run under a pile of dirty clothes. Now looking back I know that the mouse did not cling to my sweaters so much as got stuck in the intricate pattern and the mouse was as traumatised as I was by the whole experience but I don't care. I believe that not only did this start my irrational fear of mice it also contributes to my intense aversion to doing laundry.
True Story #2...I am now in my mid to late 20s. I am living by myself. All my roommates have moved out to get married taking their cats with them. I am in my bedroom watching TV relaxing after a long day at work when a mouse runs along the edge of the wall into the kitchen. I don't know where it went from there all I know is that I was frozen stiff. I could not move and when I did I curled up against the head board of my bed and called my then BF (not to be confused with the current BF). The then BF was kind enough to leave work early go to the store get some traps and set them and would come over when ever I heard the SNAP to dispose of the mouse. That's right my fear is so bad that I don't even like dead mice.
True Story #3....I am in my 30s. Its is Halloween night. A few weeks earlier I had found a stray cat (Tigger) that was so cute she is now a part of my family. I am seating in the living room watching TV eyeballing the giant bowl of candy I have for trick or treators. When I see Tigger runs past the candy bowl and into the laundry room. At the time I thought she stole some candy and I went after her to get the candy when I found her she was digging under her bed so I lifted it up and out ran a mouse. I then screamed and ran out of the house. That's where I was stilling standing when my parents got there.
True Story #4... I am now 35 when my mother sends me a text saying she has a mouse in her apartment!!!
- Mom: There is a mouse in our apartment.
- Me: I'm nvr coming bck over
- Mom: We have put out some bait bar. this time tomorrow it will be toast
- Me: Cll the management...its their job 2 take care of it
- Mom: Oh I'm going to let them know. but I'm not going to go to bed with out putting something tonight
- Me: I'm not coming over w/out photo proof that the f***er is dead.
- Mom: Michael I doubt that I will be able to get a picture of its dead body.
- Me: Then I'm not visiting you anymore!!!!!! I'm sorry I love u but it's a mouse.
- Mom: I love you too. And I promise that if you come over I will save you from the big bad mouse
- Me: I'M NOT COMING OVER TILL I HAVE PROOF IT'S DEAD...PERIOD
- Mom: Ok here is what we will do. If we don't see it for a week then that will mean that it is gone. Ok?
- Me: That might work
- Mom: I promise I will keep looking for it. We have put out the bait bar every where it is save.
- Me: I'm not sure I'll ever b able 2 come over
- Mom: Michael, when they eat the bait bar it makes them run for water. They run outside for water
- Me: There is h2o inside
- Mom: They run outside for water. sometimes they might die inside but most times they make it outside
- Me: Yuk
- Mom: Yea well the point is they die. hopefully outside
- Me: But with no/proof
- Mom: Like I said if we don't see it for a week then its gone. Its a pretty brave little thing.
- Me: Don't compliment the evil mouse
- Mom: Oooohhhh sorry I didn't mean to do that.
- Me: Damn straight now I'm doubting ur trying to kill the mouse.
- Mom: Oh I am, I "DO NOT" want a mouse in my home.
For the record, my dear emotionally scarred friend, you CAN squish a mouse with your shoe. Boots work best, but then you don't get to actually feel as well as hear their little bones snapping like quivering twigs.
ReplyDeleteTho there is some small mess involved. I keep a fireplace shovel and some wet wipes handy for the purpose.
Also, I now have this awesome scene in my head. It belongs in a movie:
It is shot from the mouse's point of view. Here we see a mouse rooting around in a bathroom cupboard, mostly in shadow. Suddenly, as the mouse turns to look at them, two giant doors are swung outward, and just over the top of the mousy head and ears, we see a young girl peering into the darkness. The mouse grins and starts to dart forward. In slow motion we see the girl's face change from innocence to fear, to horror mixed with a little hate, culminating with the mouse leaping into the air! All the while in the background, the familiar theme from Psycho "REE! REE! REE! REE!" competes with the girl's deep, slow motion "Nnnooooo!!!"
Cut to the living room. The family sits in perfect silence, enjoying Wheel of Fortune. From down the hall there is a clatter, then silence. Suddenly, from the view of the living room, a squealing girl runs across the hall and into a room, slamming the door. The family sits in silence, engrossed by Pat and Vanna. The girl, now shirtless, comes squealing out of one room, darts across the hall, somehow jumping and running at the same time, and runs into another room, slamming the door again.
The family doesn't stir. The older lady sitting on the couch, says to no one in particular, "The hell's gotten into that girl?"
The man sitting in the recliner is quiet for a minute, then without turning his head from the tv, says, "Hormones."
The lady replies, "Hmm."
For this gift, Michael, I love you!
As long as I get some kind of mention in the end credits. And you are one twisted individual. Does your wife know how twisted you are?
ReplyDeleteShe's just as bad. One time she made me carry her purse.
ReplyDeleteWhats wrong with that????
ReplyDeleteDidn't the mouse from story one die from a presumed heart attack because of you screaming at the poor thing.
ReplyDeleteAlso let us not forget whiskers your giant over grown PET mouse.
MJ your post made me laugh! (The comments are pretty dang funny too)
ReplyDeleteElvis left mexico and is now in your mom's house. hahahaha! Love it!
ReplyDeleteWe found a dead mouse at my mom's house last week. It was in our storage hidden behind some boxes and had been there for a while because all that was left were a skeleton and moldy fur. lol.
David, Whiskers was a rat not a mouse. Madi, Thats disgusting
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you only have a mouse run in once every ten years. That's not so bad, you know...
ReplyDeleteDid you end up going over?
I went over 2 weeks later and only stayed briefly. lol
ReplyDeleteYou have had your share of runins with mice. I'd stay away also.
ReplyDeleteThanks for linking up for the Flashback. Link up every Friday at http://www.chasing-joy.com/
I have no doubts about 24 hours or labor, it damn near killed me, love Dad
ReplyDeleteSure whatever you and mom say
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