Monday, June 13, 2011

Have you Ever Tried to Sneeze with your Eyes Open?

Today as I was driving home I was reminded of one of the things I would change about myself if I had a magic wand. And I would need a magic wand because its not one of those things I could changes without one. Its not like wishing I didn't waste so much time online or that I would exercise more. Its one of those things that not even my beautician or a plastic surgeon could fix.

If I could I would change how I sneeze so that I was one of those girls who sneeze quietly and daintily. You know the girls, the ones who barely even sneeze. Their faces get all scrunched up and all you get is a little tiny achoo and they have no need to sneeze again for 6 months. I am not that girl I am the girl who has the full body balls to the wall AAACHOOO!!! And I don't do this once but usually 3 times in a room.  And yes while I was driving I was remind why I want to be one of those girls.

As I was on my way home from work, driving through the treacherous canyon, I notice a highway patrol car behind. I check me speed I am at a respectable 2-3 miles over the speed limit. I scan for my cell phone safely out of sight and hearing in my purse (this is to avoid reading messages). Check my hands they are at 10 and 2, okay more like 730 and on the gear shift but I am doing good when the unavoidable happens. I sneeze.

And because I sneeze like a grown-up and not my cat and I drive a cute but light weight car, it jerks when I sneeze.

AAACHOOO...Did they officer just speed up to better read my plates.

AAACHOOO...Is he typing my plate number into his computer. I would like to pause for a moment and ask how is this any different than texting and driving, which is illegal in the state of Utah? I think its a car accident waiting to happen.

AAACHOOO...Office is now speaking into his walkie/talkie thing to run a check on me probably becuse his computer was to slow.

AAACHOOO...That's right I got a bonus sneeze tonight. And I am now trying to remember if I have current proof of insurance in my car. I really hope I do because if I get pulled over its going to go something like this...

No officer I have not been drinking I just got off work as a domestic violence victim advocate (yea Im disclosing that up front I need a pass).

No really I sneezed

Yes 4 times in a row, I have allergies

No I don't mind doing a field sobriety test but I cant walk a straight line in my bare feet. You can call my sister she's a police officer too (hell ya if necessary I will name drop) and will explain my wobbly nature.

Please ignore the angry rottweiler in the backseat trying to get out of my car. She doesn't like strange men and especially strange men in uniforms, especially if those men in uniforms are police officers or the mailman. Another pause how do dogs know they are uniforms? Seriously would she react this way if my sister and were dressed identical?

Luckily despite my prepared response the highway patrol passed me by without pulling me over.


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