My Eulogy

If I was to write my own eulogy it would probably go something like this...

A Girl Named Michael died tragically today in a freak accident, she was crushed by a bookshelf that she had overloaded with books.

Michael was born in a small Idaho town, for 18 months her life was perfect and then her parents brought home one of several siblings. She then spent the rest of her life bossing her siblings, parents, coworkers and random strangers around. She could often be heard saying, "I told you I was right."

For years she lived an unsettled slightly vagabond life never really satisfied with what was going on, until she moved back to her small town. She loved being close to her nieces and nephews so much she decided that living in the small town was acceptable.

She meet her life partner The BF through his ex-wife, she could often be heard giggling about having the best how we meet story in the world. She took great pains trying to be a good and off beat "pseudo" step-mom...she really succeeded in the off beat part, the good part is subjective.

She is survived by her beloved dog Tashi, cat Tigger and a bunch of family. Actually a lot of family, more family then one girl should have and it would take to long to mention them all. But she loved them almost as much as the dog and cat.

She leaves behind a closet full of unfinished projects, more scarves then one person should own and a legacy of klutziness.

His Bark is Worse than His Bite.

Have I mentioned recently that I have a cat. A beautiful weird cat. A cat The BF claims that he does not like. He is always complaining damn cat is in my way or she scratched me or I hate cats or there is cat hair everywhere.

I just ignore him he knew I came with a cat and he was justing going to have to suck it up and deal.

But the other day I realized that he is a big old faker.

The cat got out of the house. She likes to go out and I have seen her eyeing the door ever time it opens. I think she did this when The BF collected the weekly milk delivery (that right our milk is delivered to the door. Makes me feel like Donna Reed). When I awoke I couldn't find her anywhere and eit was freaking me out.

I usually dont worry about her when she gets ou but Tigger doesn't  know this neighborhood, and Utah has this stupid new law that allows you to kill cats if you think they are feral. And she slipped out of her collar and I have not replaced it yet. So all day I was stressed out that someone would decided use my cat as the target practice.  

When he got home from work The BF came in the house and started looking for her. He called and called her (my cat comes when you call her...she's a really weird cat), but she didn't come out of hiding and then The BF hears a soft meow.

He calls her again and hears a soft meow after a minute he realizes that Tigger was not in the house she was outside. So he goes out front and starts calling for the cat and she is hiding in the flower bed and won't come out so The BF had to get on his hands and knees to get her.

When I get home she comes running to great me (told you she was a weird cat). I pick her up and love in her and ask her where have you been hiding (I might be weird also) when The BF shouts from upstairs she was outside and she has a very loud meow.

And it has dawned on my that The BF talks a good game about being all mean and tough but he is really a fluffy teddy bear.

Here Kitty Kitty

My sister and I are in a custody battle. After living together for a year she has decided that she wants to keep a few things that are mine and I have decided I should have mandatory visitation rights to her girls. But these are minor issue compared to the real fight future of MY cat Tigger.

Seriously we are fighting about who should retain custody of a cat. My cat!!!! Who fights about that? My sister and I do!!!! She doesn't even like my cat. She calls her ugly and an asshole. She says my cat is mean and weird. My nieces are always complaining that Tigger scratched them when they tried to pet her. But now that I am moving and taking her with me, my sister wants to keep her.

I randomly get bizarre texts messages like this: 

• Tigger needs to live with us. She is happy here.
• Tigger just told me she doesn’t really like u and wants to stay with me. I think she is at the age where she can decide which parent she wants to live with

 And now she has got my mother to side with her on this matter. My mom keeps saying I worry about Tigger you should leave her with your sister. This is the person who wanted to keep Tigger and after a couple months decided that she didn’t want a cat and told me that I could have her or I could take her to the no kill shelter.

 

These people are nuts!!

My sister wants Tigger to change and be a more lovey cat and is always making her get out of the bathroom sink. I am the only person who loves and understands Tigger. I am the one who found her one dark and stormy night, I am the one who named her, I am the one who pays her vet bills, I am the one who indulges Tigger's idiosyncrasies, I am the one who always makes sure she is in the house at night, I am the one who buys her favorite treats and lets her eat then out of my hand. Not my sister.

She would probably try and keep Tashi also except Tashi gets depressed and possibly suicidal when I am not around.

I think I need to hire an attorney.

My cat is allergic to people

I have the worlds strangest cat!!!! One night about 3 and half years ago on a dark and stormy night I was outside with my dog when I heard a very scarred little meow. I look down and see a very cute little orange kitten wet and very hungry looking. She came right up to me and started rubbing against my leg not the least bit scared of the giant sized dog standing at my side. I picked up the shivering little thing and took her inside. My intentions of course were to keep her over night and then take her to a no kill shelter.

After 3 years she is no longer little, can we say fat cat, and I guess she will not be going to any shelter. But like I said she is a weird cat. I'm not sure she realises she is a cat all the time. She has some very dog like behaviors. For example when I come home she runs up and greets me just like the dog. She drinks out of the toilet (note the dog doesn't even do this) and she thinks she is the guard dog. I have a 93 lbs dog that thinks she is a person and a cat that thinks she is a dog.

Recently I have noticed when she is sleeping she is wheezing like some poor asthmatic kid who just ran a 10K or me if I ran a 10K. I have come to the conclusion in some weird turn of events my cat is allergic to people. I'm not sure how I came to this conclusion but after listening to her wheezing and sneezing around me for months I have decided shes allergic to me. Strangely enough I have a bad cat allergy that she does not affect me at all. If my pets were not weird they would not be my pets.

Ding Dong the Bitch is dead....or Not!!!!!

I have a very big dog...I have a beautiful sweet Rottweiler named Tashi. I love big dogs the bigger the better. I am not a fan of little dogs. I find them yappy and mean. My mom loves small dogs. She has a pain in the ass Yorkshire Terrier, named Zoe, that has a sweet personality but is a horrible dog.

I also have cat named Tigger who only understands she is a cat 50% of the time. The rest of the time she thinks she is a dog. Zoe and Tigger DO NOT like each other. To be honest Tigger could care less about Zoe but Zoe is very concerned with Tigger.

 Last night, in what was, I hope, the turning point in the epic Zoe vs Tigger war, Tigger almost killed Zoe.I am not kidding. Last night as everyone was peacefully watching the news or playing on Facebook (me) Zoe and Tigger got in another skirmish in the kitchen. Shortly after hearing the fight I hear my step-dad saying Zoe is bleeding. My 1st thought was 'I hope Tigger really nailed Zoe. That will teach the dumb ass dog'. I immediately heard my step-dad say again Zoe is bleeding. Immediately followed by my mom "Zoe". I ran into the kitchen to find blood every where (it was a scene any horror movie would be proud to claim) and my mom running in to the bathroom with Zoe. Tigger was sitting under the table licking her paws.

At this point my moms in the bathroom saying shes bleeding from her jugular, my step-dad is looking up the number for the vet and my 7 yr old niece is holding on to me crying. I told my mom get in the car I'll call the vet. At this point my sister shows up and my mom yells at her to move her car. Instead everyone but my niece and I get in my sister's car to go to the vets. After much confusion in which I thought the dumb dog was actually dead they make it to the vets office and call me to meet them there.

I load up my very upset niece and go to the vets office. Were the vet, Dr. Johnson, told us that he has never seen anything like that before and its amazing Zoe is still alive. He said its like a vampire bite Zoe (which is really funny since its my cat that bite her and I do love a good vampire story) and my moms quick thinking saved Zoes life. I use to think my life is dull but weird stuff like this happens to me all the time.