Why Do I Now Have Writers Block...Again?

Last month I participated in the Ultimate Blog Challenge and didn't miss a single post, thinking I sailed through that easy peasy nice and easy I am signing up for NaBloPoMo, the blogger version of NaNoWriMo.

I was all excited and now I cant write. I have nothing at all. I really hate when this happens. I have all these half ideas bouncing around in my head and I can't put my finger on any of them to do anything with it. I feel like my head is a bouncy house.

I often wonder what this feeling is like for other people. That feeling when things are just beyond your reach in your own mind. I find it exasperating and exciting at the same time.

Exasperating because...well that is obvious I can't express myself. I stumble over my words, not just the written word by the spoken word. When this happens I get very tongue tied. I start stumbling over everything I say. Which get annoying fast. I think it has something to do with the frantic pace my life will all the sudden take.


My mind won't be calm and then I start talking faster and faster (which is pretty amazing since I am a really fast talker to begin with). In a desperate need to express myself one way or another I start talking really fast hoping that something will come tumbling out that will be brilliant. It never works. I just end up rambling on about nothing important. Even at work I can not explain simple things.

The only thing that helps is taking a deep breath and focusing. I block out all the random bizarre things bouncing around in my head and focus. It never lasts for long but luckily its long enough to complete the things I need to do at work but not much else.

Usually this block will last a few days and then I am back to normal...or at least what I call normal.

Writing With One Hand Behind My Back

Yesterday I shared that I was already to write a post, got upset and then was unable to write. This happened to me often last month. That is why my posts were few and very far between. Just when I was ready to start posting again I would get upset again. July was not a good month for me.

Seriously sitting here writing this I have tears running down my face. 

But it has got me thinking...why do I have such a hard time writing about the dark emotions in my life? 

Not the angry/hateful emotions, I have no problem expressing my annoyance with the world ask my coworkers, friends, family, random strangers. Its  the sad depressing ones emotions that I do not often express well. I keep them bottled up and locked down until you find me huddled in a corner sobbing and unable to tell you what is wrong. And when that happens I can not write. I can not do much of anything to be honest.

I think it is because at some point in my life I decided that those emotions are not to be expressed...after all big girls don't cry. Right?  It is something I have struggles with for most of my life. Crying is weak, I am not weak, hence I don't cry...its my emotional version of if A = B and B  = C then A = C (take note mom, that is 4 years of college at work right there). 

This attitude has never served me well and I think its time I moved on..it is hindering my ability to write about all the funny adventurous things that have happened. Or the very random thoughts that I know you are dying to read. 

This last month a lot of what happened is not about me but a close family member who is going through a really rough part of life and my heart brakes when ever I am confronted with what is happening. After spending time with the family member I often go home and cry or sit in my office and cry or drive home and cry...I have been crying a lot. I didn't even know I could cry that much. And while I am not going to share their story because I want to respect their privacy, I have decided it is okay to share my emotions. 

You have been warned.

I think I just matured a little. 

This may be a sign of the end times. 

This inspiration for this post came from Story Dam. Please check out this wonderful site for writers by writers. 

A Random Post From a Random Girl

I have this post in my head but I cant get it out.

Its funny and witty in my head but on my screen it reads weird and awkward.

I don't mind being the weird girl. And I am often awkward. 

But this post is translating into a maybe she needs to go rest in a room with padded walls weird.

Thinking about resting in a room with padded walls has some appeal to me after all I often walk into walls. It seems I wouldn't get hurt as bad if the walls were padded. I wonder if I can pad the walls of my home, and all the counters, tables, chairs, floor....I am really clumsy.

Why are some people more clumsy than others? I don't see my coworkers walking into the walls of the office but I do it all the time. 

Its frustrating to always have new bruise that you can not explain. Its even more frustrating to not be able to express myself like I want.

I bet its just because I cant focus my mind...I have so many things going on in my head it cant fully focus on what I need. I am starting to wonder if my funny and witty post is really that cleaver or if I just think it is because I am so random today.

What are some of the random thoughts you are having today?

Blank as the Pages of My Diary

Its no surprise to anyone that I like books...lots and lots of books. I constantly have a book or 4 I am in the middle of reading....its one of the things that makes me, me. With all the books I read comes this need to share my opinion of the books. I Want to share my experiences, was it good? Did it suck? Did I cry? Was I scared? Were the characters worth the time I spent reading?  You get my point.

 But recently something strange has happened I can't seem to write reviews on the books. I created a whole blog just for reviews and I am blank..nothing there. I can write a synopsis of the book but I cant seem to express if I liked the book.

I have even read some amazing books, books that have effected me profoundly. I read the book and when talk about the book I am like...you see the dot dot dot is my problem, nothing comes. I am blank; I know how I feel and how the book affected me but when I go to express that felling all I can come up with is dot dot dot.

I currently have a love hate relationship with the dot dot dot. I fell like that Seinfeld episode where Elaine yada yada yada'd over sex (seriously one of my favorite Seinfeld moments). Only unlike her I am yada yada yadaing over the best part, what made the book so good.

I can write reviews for books that were just OK but not the really good books but who wants to write reviews for books that were okay? Not me, I want to tell you about the books that rocked my world, that made me ponder my life and my views. There was even one that caused my to have an extensional crisis...seriously it did.

How do I move forward? What do I do? Can I move past the dot dot dot. Have a written my last book review? Should I give up and move on? 

I need help!!! Probably the intense psychotherapy kind. 

I Will Blog About Anything but I Will Not Blog About That.

Recently I have had a severe case of writers block. Just out of the blue I am blank. My life is as exciting and weird as always but when I go to write about my adventures the words will not flow. In fact I rewrote that sentence 4 times before I was satisfied and to be honest I still don't like it.

A friend suggested I should write about something outside my comfort zone. I was immediately stumped what is outside my comfort zone. I am okay sharing most anything that happens and he suggested I talk about my political views.

After briefly considering the idea I thought OH HELL NO!!!!

Not that I am scared to discuss my views. Come have coffee with me and I will be more than happy to have a conversation with you but when you blog or write about them on the internet people think it is acceptable to "comment and run". Most often the comments are not constructive but mean and hatefully and do not further the conversation.

This does not encourage an exchange of ideas or understanding. Whatever happened to people listening and seeing the others persons point of view. Just because you understand their point and why they belief something doesn't mean you have to agree with them or change your view points. It will help you have a better view of the world.

But we often don't do this and I am as guilty as everyone else. Often if I am passionate about something I forget to talk to people (which shockingly involves listening) and tend to get all fired up and demanding my view points are correct. I forget that my political beliefs like my religious ones are based on my experience and not everyone has had the same experiences as me.

Because of that I will not talk about my political beliefs on my blog I like it being a happy place where people don't call me names or ridicule me. Of course you may do those things but you don't share with me and I am okay with that.

Is there something you wont blog about?