Where Oh Where is my Sapphire?

Today I was planning on having a productive day. Seriously I was. No really I had plans I was going to accomplish a lot of things.

Number one on my list clean off my desk at work. It was a mess and crowded...and I rally couldn't get anything done. Step 1. take everything off my desk. Step 2. wipe it down. Step 3 decide what is going back and what is not. Step 4 decide what I was doing with all the stuff that wasn't going back on my desk.

It was all going so good, I got all the way through step 2 when I started having a conversation with a coworker. I happened to glance down at my engagement ring and noticed I could see my finger beneath it....it took me a second to release my sapphire was missing from my ring.

Let the panic ensue. To say I was upset is an understatement. I was trying hard not to panic as I calmly tried to retrace my steps. And since I had been cleaning off my desk that meant that it could have been anywhere in my office.

Soon all my coworkers and I were crawling around the office, looking in garbage cans, and carefully dumping out the contents in my purse trying to find the thing. Realizing that it could be anywhere I call The Fiance and tell him to start looking for it at home.

After reassembling my purse I decide to check outside and in my car. As I carefully backtrack my steps to my car and find nothing my despair and panic is getting worse. I am almost in tears by the time I open my car door and start looking around on the floor. I glanced at the seat of my car and again almost start crying again because sitting there as if it was enjoying a drive was my sapphire.

I immediately snatch it up as if I am saving the world from certain doom and run back into the office. I carefully wrap it and the ring in saran wrap and place it in a baggie then safely tuck it into my now very clean purse.

I am now left wondering why all the panic. Yes it would have been sad but I would still be engagement. The Fiance would still love me, we would still get married and live "happily" ever after. I just kept thinking it's a symbol of The Fiance's love...I won't have that symbol. Its a silly thought, I knew he loved me before I got the ring.

Thankfully it all ended well but my finger feels very very naked.

Abandon...What Does it Mean to You?

a·ban·don

tr.v. a·ban·doned, a·ban·don·ing, a·ban·dons

1. To withdraw one's support or help from, especially in spite of duty, allegiance, or responsibility; desert.

2. To give up by leaving or ceasing to operate or inhabit, especially as a result of danger or other impending threat.

3. To surrender one's claim to, right to, or interest in; give up entirely.

4. To cease trying to continue; desist from.

5. To yield (oneself) completely, as to emotion.

n.

1. Unbounded enthusiasm; exuberance.

2. A complete surrender of inhibitions.

The word Abandon really fits my mood lately especially the to surrender one's claim to, right to, or interest in; give up entirely part of the word.

I am in the funk of all funks and while I still laugh and get out of bed every day I have a blah attitude about things. I am withdrawn and moody, is this some odd parallel university where instead of maturing I start acting like a teenager. If that is what is going on then I better start seeing a reversal of some of these fine lines around my eyes.

I think part of the problem is my mind is so cluttered right now that I can't focus on anything and just decided to throw my hands in the air giving up on everything. Is that a normal reaction to do much stuff going on in my mind?  I feel like I can't organize it all my ideas and they are just hanging around taunting me.

Its not just writing ideas, its craft ideas, and work projects and family events. Everything is a mess and I would love to walk away from it all. I can't even focus on one book to finish it. In the last week I have started 6 different books and despite them all being good I have given up on them all.

I really need to figure this all out and soon because I would much rather be living life with unbounded enthusiasm; exuberance instead of cease trying to continue; desist from life.


This inspiration for this post came from Story Dam. Please check out this wonderful site for writers by writers. 

Writing With One Hand Behind My Back

Yesterday I shared that I was already to write a post, got upset and then was unable to write. This happened to me often last month. That is why my posts were few and very far between. Just when I was ready to start posting again I would get upset again. July was not a good month for me.

Seriously sitting here writing this I have tears running down my face. 

But it has got me thinking...why do I have such a hard time writing about the dark emotions in my life? 

Not the angry/hateful emotions, I have no problem expressing my annoyance with the world ask my coworkers, friends, family, random strangers. Its  the sad depressing ones emotions that I do not often express well. I keep them bottled up and locked down until you find me huddled in a corner sobbing and unable to tell you what is wrong. And when that happens I can not write. I can not do much of anything to be honest.

I think it is because at some point in my life I decided that those emotions are not to be expressed...after all big girls don't cry. Right?  It is something I have struggles with for most of my life. Crying is weak, I am not weak, hence I don't cry...its my emotional version of if A = B and B  = C then A = C (take note mom, that is 4 years of college at work right there). 

This attitude has never served me well and I think its time I moved on..it is hindering my ability to write about all the funny adventurous things that have happened. Or the very random thoughts that I know you are dying to read. 

This last month a lot of what happened is not about me but a close family member who is going through a really rough part of life and my heart brakes when ever I am confronted with what is happening. After spending time with the family member I often go home and cry or sit in my office and cry or drive home and cry...I have been crying a lot. I didn't even know I could cry that much. And while I am not going to share their story because I want to respect their privacy, I have decided it is okay to share my emotions. 

You have been warned.

I think I just matured a little. 

This may be a sign of the end times. 

This inspiration for this post came from Story Dam. Please check out this wonderful site for writers by writers. 

What is Stopping Me From Writing Blog Posts?

I was going to write a blog post but then I got upset....see you tomorrow.

Where has My Sanity Gone?

I'm in a total and complete funk. My chi is out of whack, my chakras are on vacation and my zen has followed Iron Maiden's advice and ran for the hills.

My thoughts are all gravitating to the negative and not the hilariousness of my life.

For example, I got my car fixed. Which should make me be doing a dance in the streets and I did for about an hour but then I drove home from work and started to imagine all sorts of crazy horrible scenarios in my head:

I am barreling though the canyon driving at the posted speed of 60-65 MPH and I swear I feel my new wheel wobbling. What if the guys at the tire place didn't put my tire on correctly, they did complete it quickly and it was lunch time, and now I am driving and my wheel is going to fly off like in some action movie and I am going to die. And the irony* is that I couldn't drive my car because the rim was unsafe and after replacing it I died anyway because of the new one.

Is this normal? Do other people imagine the same thing? Is the heat finally getting to me? Have a finally gone of my rocker? Is it time to finally get that intensive therapy? 

*Is that the correct use of irony? I can never remember. I was in school a long time ago

They Made Me Cry!!

Look at the mismatch tires

Friday was not my day.

Okay so last week was not my week and Friday was really just the day the reduced me to tears. And I am not a crier.

Let me explain.

While running errands  I decided to put gas in my car (that way I can go straight home after work) when I noticed that my front passenger tire was looking low on air AGAIN. Having some time to kill I decided to run it over to the place where I bought the tires because they will check and repair them for free.

After calling a coworker to come pick me back up I preoceed to work and wait for them to call and say hey come pick up you car.

Only that is not the call I got.

The call I got was more omnious and depressing and reduced me to tears.

You see I have a big old crack in the steel wheel/rim that is causeing my tire to go flat. And this is very dangerous. So dangerous that they refused to put the tire back on my car. Instead they put on the spare which is not a true spare is one of those little donut tires that are dangerous to drive over 50MPH or drive on them for to long.

To make matters worse it is going to cost me $128.82 to get a "new" (read used) rim.

My poor car

Then I realised that I have to drive through a canyon that is only save to drive though in the middle of the day when its sunny with a donut.

After having the break down I so rightly desereved I went to pick up my sad little car and was even more upset.

I called my mom and said "I make fun of cars that look like my car." My mother started laughing. I dont know why I think she will be sypathetic she always laughs at my trama.

Diminished Capacity to Think

It has been a busy week and it is only Tuesday.

I want to write something witty and cleaver but my brain will truly not function today. I want to share some funny care free story but I am not sure how to share the few I have been pondering recently. I often have a list of blog ideas that come to me in the middle of the night (usually as I am going to bed) so I write them down to visit later but an ode to The BF’s ass or my ever increasing personality disorders are just not appealing to me today.

I am not sure if its the ever increasing weather extremes I am experiencing (serious snow on May 1 60+ degrees on May 2), if its the full blow allergy attacks and ensuing allergy meds that have muddled my brain (I’m full of snot and I’m high), or the conflicting emotions I have over recent political events (please no comments about the political events).

I hope it has nothing to do with my increasing age and biological clock. I don’t feel emotionally mature enough to deal with my own mortality, that’s why I write a blog.

What ever it may be let’s hope tomorrow will be a better day and I return to my nonsense and crazy ways.

Sisters

So I was sitting on the floor of my BFs laundry room/mudroom sorting clothes and crying.

What brought me to this low state???

What has reduced me to a blubbering fool while tring to decided if BFs work levis can be washed with my office levis (I decided no).

Who could destroy my self worth faster than Congress can spend money....my sisters of course. I am always telling people that no one can can push a button/hurt you like a family member/loved one. Especially sisters they know just how to reduce you to a whimpering mess in need of a bottle of cheap vodka.