He Put A Ring On It - My Engagement Story

If you follow me on Facebook than you know that The BF completely surprised me by proposing over the weekend and I said yes (like I was going to say anything else). Since I share all my other stories with you: how we met, our weird conversations, our "disagreements', the time line of our courtship...I guess I should share our engagement story also.

When I say completely surprise me, I am not kidding. I had no idea it was coming...that doesn't mean I haven't dropped hints or told him this is how you should do it and this is the ring I want. You know the normal stuff but I didn't think it would be this weekend or this year or even this decade.

Its not easy to surprise me, mostly because I am a great big control freak and I plan out a lot of our lives. I even tell him what to get me as gifts for my birthday and Christmas. He has learned to stick to the list. Its never good to deviate from the list or what I have planned.

To be honest I hate surprises...I hate them so much I once planned my own surprise party. I am not kidding. So you can see what a feat it is to catch me unaware but that is exactly what The BF did yesterday morning.

The day started innocent enough...we had a lot of things happening. The BF had to work early, then a family party at my mom's and then later a family party at The BF's family. Lots to do and we were on a schedule (did I mention I like planning everything).

After The BF returned from work he jumped in the shower and I was putting my makeup on while sitting on our bed watching a rerun of The Pioneer Women's cooking show on Food Network (I love her show, blog and books). Just as The Pioneer Women starts sharing her wisdom on keeping the romance alive in your relationship, The BF walks over to me partially dressed and starts kissing me and telling me that he loves me.

I thought he was being silly after all romance was the topic on TV. I kissed him back asserted my return affection but told him we need to get moving. When out of the blue he drops down on one knee next to the bed.

Then he opens his hand, he was holding a ring, places his hand on the bed and asks me to marry him.

I was stunned, shocked and in disbelieve.  I asked are serious and he smiled and said yes. I asked like really serious, change your Facebook status tell everyone serious. He said yes...and so I said yes. Like I said I was shocked and completely caught off guard. Luckily I had just painted my nails....even if I had painted them black.


He says he has been thinking about how to ask me for month and just decided to do it....he does keep me on my toes.

And that is how I got engaged while watching The Pioneer Women, with no makeup on and The BF was not fully dressed...I guess I need to start calling him The Fiancee from this day forward...until The day I get to call him The Husband anyway.

Now I need to answer the question, do I want to be a Spring, Summer, Fall or Winter bride?

Does Everyone Love Raymond?

I am a big believer in family. Family is important. But can you have to much family? Does having overly involved family cause problems in your relationship?

I believe it does. Don't misunderstand me I love my family, I love them a lot but that doesn't mean that I want them involved in my every day home life.  I think some things are best kept between a couple...and not just the sex stuff.

You see every couple fights and in a "normal" relationship those fights can be really stupid. Eventually you will forgive your partner but when you get your family involved they don't forgive as easily. They remember the time when your partner said something stupid and upset you, and they may inadvertently undermine your relationship. At the end of the day (or few days) you and your partner move on and your family doesn't.

There should be distance between parents and kids once they are married and start their own family. Your priority is no longer your parents or siblings but your partner ans the life you have together. You should not live across the street from your parents or siblings, my advice is move to another city or at least across town.

Keeping your relationship between the two of you becomes harder and harder when the in-laws can see everything that is happening in your living room from their front window.  Imagine the text messages, phone calls, and well meaning relatives all the sudden in your business; giving advice, getting involved and worst of all picking sides.  Even biblical teaching tell you to leave your fathers house and cleave to your partner (seriously it is mentioned 3 times).

It might sound fun and convenience to have grandparents and aunts/uncles living next door or across the street but the constant involvement in your life will cause nothing but stress and strive. I know sometimes family helps by babysitting and picking kids up from school and oh yeah the cousins can play together but all that can be done from different neighborhoods.

Respect the boundaries that a family has and keep a physical distance. Remember that show, Everyone Loves Raymond, it makes great TV but in reality it makes for a bad situation

None of this applies if your relationship is violent...if you are in a domestic violence situation please call the national hotline, 1-800-799-7233, to get help in your area.

Stockings and Garters and Corsets...Oh My

Mom this is one of those posts you will want to stop reading right now.

Dad you should probably stop reading also.

Ex-Wife/Friend STOP READING!!!!!!

Earlier tonight a friend "checked-in" to a Lingerie & Novelty Boutique on Facebook, after some fun teasing I started wondering do men really like lingerie? Is this something they want?

I do not wear lingerie. I have always been of the believe that is nice but why spend all that money on something you wont be wearing very long and will just end up balled up on the floor. You are going to end up naked why not start that way, save your money for more books.

But then I asked The BF what he thought and he said lingerie is sometimes nice. What!!! I had no idea. Now I feel like I am boring and frumpy.

Do I run out and buy something lacy and silky as a special treat? Does he like white and innocent? Black and naughty? Red and sultry? What about stocking and garters? See through nighties? Corsets? Cute and frilly? And lets not forget leather...leather sounds nice.

The options are endless and slightly overwhelming.

But then luckily I remembered one very important thing, The BF may like a lingerie but he really likes naked.

No need to panic, I have decided to give him my most guarded secret...my sizes and  measurements. If he would like to see me in lingerie he can buy it and I will wear it. Until then I will do what I have always done...you can not go wrong with naked.

I think I over shared, again.

Single Girl in a Committed Relationship

Today I had a conversation with some friends about marriage and commitment. And I may have made a comment on not wanting to get married.

I don't know why I said it except at the time I really meant it and still mean it. I really go back and forth on if I want to get married. Is that normal?

Its entirely possible I have a little bit of a commitment problem and why I like the idea of dressing up in a pretty dress, playing princess for a day and getting presents..the actual idea of marriage scares me more than a little. I may have nightmares about it occasionally.

Don't get me wrong I love The BF and I absolutely plan on spending the rest of my life with him, I am just not sure about marrying him despite my talking about what music I will play at our wedding all the time. I started doing it to freak out The BF and the it just became a fun little game to me.

My adverse reaction has nothing to do with The BF this is all me being crazy and feeling like I need to control the entire world or at least my world...no I want to control the world. Anyway I have this crazy notion that marriage would...I am really not sure but I would have less control whatever it is.

The logical part of my brain tells me that it wouldn't really change a lot in my life, in fact it probably wouldn't change anything at all. The crazy part of my brain is unfortunately much louder than the logical part. When it comes to certain topics, like marriage and shoes, I often can't hear the logical part.

I have no idea what all this says about me...maybe I should go back to therapy.

Practically Perfect in Everyway

Have you ever thought about your bad habits? Neither have I. Of course I don't have any bad habits.

Really I don't have any....that is just how I roll.

Of course The BF may not agree with me on that but he doesn't understand yet that I am perfect and perfect people don't have bad habits. He thinks I am amazing and wonderful but I haven't been able to convince him I am perfect...and I have no idea why.

Just because from the moment I get home I leave a trial of items behind me doesn't mean I am not perfect. It just means I am done with that item not that I am a messy.

Having stacks and stacks of books laying all over the house doesn't mean I an not perfect. Those piles are very specific not that I am a hoarder.

And just because I leave my clean clothes in the laundry basket until I wear them again just means I am saving my energy for something else.

These are all habits of highly perfect people I can't help it he doesn't understand the brilliance of my perfection.

Okay I am not being serious but its important to remember when your partner is doing that one thing that makes you want to slam you head into a wall that you have just as many personality quarks that make them want to run screaming into the night.

I am telling you this to remind myself  no one is perfect...although I am pretty sure I am really close to it. *wink wink*

Short Courtship? I Don't Think So

The other day a friend made the comment that whirl wind relationships like mine don't always turn out as well as mine. I gave her a blank stare and asked on what planet was my relationship a "whirl wind". She elaborated by saying it all happened so fast.

And I guess compared to the life span of an oak tree it happened fast but in reality it was a slow courtship that happened over months...I just kept part of it to myself. After all I was talking and flirting with my friends ex-husband it was a weird situation at first.

Here is how it all happened.

1. September 2, 2009: The BF texted me for the first time after getting my number from Ex-Wife/Friend.
2. September 2009: - December 2009: Lots of texts and flirting. No phone conversations.
3. January 2, 2010: - First phone conversation.
4. January 8, 2010:  Went on first date. Ended up at bookstore, this may be why there was a second date.
5. January 17, 2010: Second date watching Football playoffs.
6. January - March 2010: Starting hanging out every other weekend.
7. March 2010: Meet the "pseudo" step-kids and families.
8. May 2010: Spending every weekend together.
9. June 2011: Moved in together.
10. June 2011 - present: Living in dysfunctional family bliss.

No matter what you think about living together I know people who have dated, been engaged and married in less time then we decided to live together. It was 21 months before we moved in together. It wasn't really all that fast. At least not fast in Utah...the rest of the world may have longer courtships.

My friend later amended her statement by saying it all seemed to happen fast.

I think it was the perfect length for us.

Did you have a long or short courtship?

Wake Up Sleeping Beauty

Before I tell you my story I need to make sure you know a few facts.

1. I am a victim advocate.
2. I work primarily with domestic violence victims.
3. October is domestic violence awareness month.
4. Our agency is hosting a conference that starts at 8 am.
5. We have had late night events this week that end after 8 pm.
6. I live 27 minutes away from my office.
7. I drive through a canyon every day to and from work.
8. I hate driving through the canyon when its dark.
9. My Health Nut sister lives 5 minutes from my office.
10. The BF gets up every day at 4:20 am for work.
11. I rarely wake up when he does.
12. He kisses me every morning before he leaves.
13. I always wake up for the kiss.
14. 99% of the time I immediately fall back to sleep after the kiss.

I have been staying with my sister for the last few nights, without fail at 430 am I wake up and I can't go back to sleep. I get very grumpy when I can't sleep. I think its because The BF isn't there to kiss me at 430 am. I don't know if its the routine or the kiss it's self....it may be a little bit of both.

Whatever it is I am very excited to sleep in my own bed tonight.

Here is Some Ice Cream, Please Date My Ex-Husband

A few weeks ago The BF and I got into a disagreement. Okay not just a disagreement we had a fight. It happens to all couples, even the most healthy (I am not claiming that we are the picture of healthy functioning relationships but we try), and this is not the first time we have had a fight difference of opinion. In the after math of the deep discussion between The BF and I, The Ex-Wife/Friend offered me ice cream to not break up with him.

While I was not planning to brake up with him  I may or not have been fuming mad exasperated (and possibly slightly irrational but I am only claiming to be at fault for 50% of the confrontation debate) and I may or may not have made the comment, "If I was going to brake up with him it would be today."

It all started over something very silly and slightly stupid. And it is possible that The BF was being stubborn and I was lashing out due to not being in control of the situation but I don't want to lay the blame on anyone one person...we can both be idiots.

In my justified/unjustified rage annoyance (depending on who you talk to), I called the only person I really know in town The Ex-Wife/Friend. I asked her to come get me (my car was temporarily out of commission) I told her I needed to go to the store but I really wanted the one thing that will calm my mood...ice cream. The Ex-Wife/Friend took me to a local place where she bought me a giant ice cream cone and we sat and talked about nothing and everything.

She then kindly took me to the store to do the things I needed to do.

On the way back I may have still been feeling animosity displeasure towards The BF (it was a bad week, don't judge) and that was when I made the comment, "If I was going to brake up with him it would be today." (I was venting)

And this is when The Ex-Wife/Friend said the funniest thing to me, "You cant brake up with him I bought you ice cream."

People say the weirdest things to me but she had a really good point, she did buy me ice cream.

10 Rules For Dating Your Friends Ex-Husband

Its no surprise by now that I am dating my friends ex-husband or that she was the one that set us up. And in the 3 years and 3 months we have been dating I have become an expert on dating your friend's ex.

Or at least I like to pretend I am and when people ask me how do we do it I have no problem giving them advice and waxing poetically about the situation. I don't think everyone can do it...in fact I truly  believe that its rare and by the grace of God that we make it work.

Never the less I have developed 10 rules that help see me through the situation. Follow these simple rules and you to can survive be as blissfully happy as us.

10 Rules For Dating Your Friends Ex

A picture captured at a wedding we all attended, separately.

1. Remember the issues they have had in their relationships are not your issues. Trust me you and your partner will have your own obstacles to over come, its not necessary to take on additional ones.
2. Don't participate in any bashing of the other person. You better than anyone is aware of their faults but no matter how mad you are at one of them bad mouthing the other is always a bad idea.
3. Don't discuss your sex life with the Ex/Friend. It gets weird to quickly. If you want to talk about your sex life I suggest blogging about it or talking to another friend. 
4. Don't share secrets. As a friend you are often told things in confidence and as a girlfriend you also told things...there is no reason to share those secrets with the other person.
5. Communication is important. If The BF and his Ex/Friend have a hard time communicating, and lets face it they probably do, you may be the link to help them because you speak both their languages. Embrace this and when necessary communicate without bias and emotion.
6. Be honest about your feelings..if someone hurts them tell them but remember to be kind about it.
7. Don't be afraid to call them on their bad choices...always do so in a loving and kind matter but remind them they are acting like idiots. I do this often.
8. Tell them no. Because you are The Friend and The Girlfriend they may conspire together to get you to do something you don't want to do, like taking the gets trick or treating. Feel free to say no thank you I will stay home where its nice and warm and hand out candy. 
9. Be leery of the nay sayers. Your relationship will be under a spot light and people are waiting for the "blow up" especially between you and the Ex/Friend. Just smile and know that this type of relationship is not for everyone and not everyone will understand.
10. The most important rule is to have a sense of humor. Lets be honest it is a funny bizarre situation and if you cant stop and laugh at yourself and the situation Then its not going to work.

I think these rules may apply in most relationships.

9 Dinner Time Questions

mmmm...food.

I like to experiment in the kitchen. I am always on the hunt for easy dinners The Family will eat. I try to keep it simple and I try to only add one or two new recipes a week. 

This week I tried a vegetarian meal (it had eggs in it so I guess it was really just meatlesss)...all week long on the menu it said Vegetable Pie (which was really a Veggie Quiche) and all week long everyone asked me, "What's that?" My answer was always the same, "a Vegetable pie...duh." Not very poetic but what can I say.

So last night when I was making dinner I had an audience and I heard the following questions?

1. That's it?
2. What kind of meat are you putting in it?
3. What do you mean no meat?
4. What gravy are you using?
5. Whats the green stuff?
6. What seasoning do you need?
7. Really you don't need any?
8. Will it taste good?
9. Have you made this before?

One might think that I heard these from the "pseudo" step-kids but no everyone if these questions came from The BF. Yup thats right The BF. I am not sure what brought on this barge of questions but I suspecect is he was doubting my cooking abilities....to quote my favorite movie "as if". Even when my food isn't amazing its still edible so I am not sure why he was doubting my ability.

Dinner looks yummy

 I tried to be patient. I really did and I was once for a moment but about the time we got to question 7 I was annoyed. At question 8 I was requesting everyone leave the kitchen. By 9 I was yelling, "You don't have to eat it. Go hungry I don't care." Not my best response but come on 9 questions doubting my ability.

What is dinner like at your house? Nice and peaceful? Crazy and chaotic? Annoying and fun?

Honey I Think You Should Get a Vasectomy

Not so long ago I expressed my desire to possibly have a baby. That desire turned in to trying which turned into its not going to happen for us. After some frustration and a few tears I have slowly moved forward and on to acceptance.

Recently I have been having some freak outs about having a baby. Not because I cant but what if I do!!!

I know you are thinking, "Girl do you suffer from bipolar or some other illness?" No I don't and I am not worried about having a baby now....I am worried that when I am 48 I will end up pregnant. That some miracle will happen and Wham Bam thank you Ma'am you are turning 50 here's your infant.

Don't get me wrong I don't think 50 is old, I just don't want to be a the mother to a newborn at 50. This irrational fear has lead to the following conversation. (paraphrased of course and probably following into the category, of what my mom calls, my over sharing on my blog).

• Me: Honey I think you should get a vasectomy.
• The BF: WHAT??!!??
• Me: I think you should get a vasectomy.
• The BF: Why? I thought you couldn't get pregnant.
• Me: I cant but what if something weird happens and at 50 I get pregnant...I dont want a baby at 50 and you will be 54. Do you want that?
• The BF: (with a horrified expression) No!!!
• Me: See this is why you should get a vasectomy.
• The BF: Why cant you?
• Me: Because your procedure is cheaper with a faster recover. I promise to take days of off work to care for you. You don't have to decide today. I am just throwing it out there for you to think about.
• The BF: I don't want to think about it.
• Me: Just think about it, we can talk about it later.
• The BF: I dont want to .

I am going to give him a year to think about it.

Why are We Feeding My Exwife?

When you are dating your friendsEx-Husband you get to say lots of fun things. Like I am shopping with my boyfriend's ex-wife. But I sometimes forget that the Ex-Wife/Friend also gets to say fun things like I drove my Ex-Husbands new girlfriend to work. For people who don't know the situation they often get a look in their eye like what are you people talking about. It amuses me a lot.

The BF doesn't often make these kind of fun statement. To be honest he tends to pretend that the situation is different. When asked how we meet I think he tells people a friend introduced us. Unlike me who relishes in telling the the story he tends to skip over it.

But occasionally he says something that makes me laugh at our situation.

• The BF: What are you doing?
• Me: Making a dinner for Ex-Wife/friend.
• The BF: Again? Why?
• Me: Because I want to feed her.
• The BF: Serious, Why are we feeding my Ex-Wife every night?
• Me: She drove me to work on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. She didn't ask for gas money and one day she even bought me coffee. So this is how I am repaying her and thanking her.
• The BF: Really?
• Me: Yes, she likes when I feed her. So to her its a great way to give back.

These conversations make me realize how really unique and rare we live our lives.

I also realize how blessed it is...we don't always agree and get along but at least we can laugh at ourselves.

The BF...You're My Hero

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, but you know how it is during the holiday season. Finishing home a guess, getting ready for Christmas and then there was that about of bronchitis I had. So December was a crazy busy month, but I am back…I think…well I'm hoping I'm back at least.

A month ago I told you I would share the story of how The BF became my hero. I have debated whether I should recount the story after I'll happened a month ago, who really cares of this point?

But I think The BF deserves his props…he's a really good guy, and should get his recognition and in the sun. Plus he spoiled me during the holidays and that is a good thing.

So everybody get in your Time Machine so we traveled to Thanksgiving weekend 2012. The Health Nut Sister begged and begged and begged me to go Black Friday shopping with her, even though I haven't been in the good 10+ years, I decided it could be fun to go Black Friday shopping with my sisters. Although for some reason this year like Friday shopping began on Thursday.

Since I was going I figured I should check the ads for my must-have item. And I found the one thing I had to have…700 thread count sheets for $20.

To be honest, who wouldn't want that, that's a really good deal.

So after spending the day with family and being thankful I now had to the store to fight my way for the deal of the week.

Since we've been traveling The BF was with me when I went shopping. I try and make it a point never to bring a man with me when I shop. They asked too many questions and they distract you from your goal, but it's not like I could leave them in the car. I tried to explain to him what it's like to go shopping a black Friday, but I don't think he really understood how serious it was and how dangerous it can get.

So now I'm in a crush of 50 people around the bin that contains 24 sheets…it was about to get real. Although we were all laughing and joking as we waited for the madness to begin.

The whole time The BF kept saying he was just going to stand back and watch..I told him that's fine just stay out of my way.

As a gets closer and closer to the time I am pushing my way closer and closer to the bin, but so is everybody else. I probably would've been safer cage death match, but there was no way I was walking out of the store that some new sheets.

Finally, the time has come, and everybody literally dives for the bin and just as I'm getting to it the unthinkable happens…somebody steps on my foot, just as the crowd shifts. This shift causes me to start to fall along with 10 other people, I'm about to be trampled to death. When a good Samaritan picks me up and saves me. The unintended consequence was, I was now further away from the bin than when I started.

As I frantically search for a way back in I noticed something amazing, on the other side of the bin was The BF and he was right there in the mix. Under one arm he had a set of sheets and he was reaching for a second set. It was in that moment that I realized how much I love him.

And that is the story of how The BF became my hero… I have never loved him more than when he got me my 700 thread count sheets for $20.

How Do I love Thee..Let me Count the Ways.

Recently The BF and I have been going through a difficult patch. And I am not good at the difficult stuff....I am really bad at it. I may have mentioned in the past my motto is when the going gets tough its time to leave.

But I don't want to leave so we are working through our issues and it hasn't been easy these last few days and just when I was in a dark dark dark place someone asked me how I meet The BF and about our first date.

At that moment I remembered all the happy moments that make this moment seem like a little blip on the radar.

I didn't fall in love on the first date, I am not that girl but the first date easily got him a second date and third and so forth.

So as we are working through our issues to push forward I am going to try and keep the things he did (and still does) front and center in my mind.

1. Held the car door open for me.
2. Took me to the book store after dinner but before the movie.
3. Held my coat while I browsed through the racks at the book store.
4. He also held my coffee while I bought books at the book store.
5. During the movie when I ran out of soda he went and go me more missing part of the movie (he had already seen it but I didn't know that).
6. Held on to me while walking across an icy parking lot.

He really is a good guy even if I sometimes want to bang my head against a wall.

He Said. No She Said

The BF and I have been fighting a lot.

Its been going on for days.

It started out innocently but has progressed to all out war.

It started like this:

• The BF: Ok call if you can. Love you 
• Me: Love you too.
• The BF: love you more!!
• Me: I love you more.
• The BF: No way Baby!
• Me: Yes way...my capacity to love is beyond anything you can imagine.
• The BF: Oh I can imagine quiet a lot. Like the world!
• Me: Well imagine I love you more than that
• The BF: It wont happen! Not there.
• Me: Are you questioning my love?
• The BF: No I'm knowing mine its stronger than yours.
• Me: No its not

Now when ever we do something we say, "See I love you more."

We are so mature.

We should be relationship role models.

Don't you think?

No....You Can Not Borrow The BF!!!!

Recently, two days ago, I posted on Facebook about The ExWife/Friend wanting to borrow The BF. She was hoping to get help with some chores this weekend. I received a lot comments on this status...it appears that a number of my friends and family have strong feelings about exs helping exs.

The chores were simple ones: 1. She wondered if he would help load some stuff in his truck and take it to the local second hand store and 2. If we would sand and refinishing her jewelry box (he recently did that to a coffee table in our house and she thought it looked really good).

The first one is something that happens often when you have a truck, people ask you to help them move and haul stuff. This is not a big deal The BF has offered to help friends and doesn't mind helping when he can. The second thing recognizes his skill as a handyman.

Although I was being funny and silly when I posted it (I never take Facebook to seriously). The ExWife/Friend claims I vilified her on my status by leaving out the important detail that she was planning to pay him for his gas and time. And she may be right, I was having very strong feeling about him helping.

I had to to a little soul searching.

My conclusion is that I am a mean selfish bitch and sometimes a horrible horrible friend.

Yup because while I may have said I was being funny and silly; I was also mark my territory and thinking you didn't want him he is mine...the only chores/projects he is going to do are the ones I want you have no claim to his time.

This was not a casual thought I had that lasted for a few seconds...It occupied my mind for days.

And made me feel bad. She is my friend, if another friend asked him to help I would nag encourage him to help especially if it was show casing his handy dandy skills. So why did her request annoy me?

Because I seem to have some underlying insecurities when it comes to our bizarre relationship.

I never claimed it worked all the time....just 99.9% of the time.

Why Am I so Confused?

Not to long ago I talked about maybe wanting to have a baby and I am still a little unsure about what I want. In an attempt to determine my feelings I decided it would be smart to talk to The BF to find out what he thinks....I now doubt my ability to make decisions.

The BF is against having another child...seriously against having a baby or so he says. He is sending some serious mixed signals.

Be warned this conversation is about to get personal!!!!!

He says No No No he has two kids and he doesn't want anymore. His reasons (I think are silly but they are his thoughts/feelings and I don't want to dismiss them because he has a right to them) are that he will be to old and he doesn't think it would be fair to the child to have an old dad that cant do the things he does now. Even if I got pregnant today he would be 42 when the baby was born which would make him 60 when it graduate from high school. Also babies are expensive and he worries that we will not be able to provide for a child once he retires.

Now that you know what he is thinking lets talk about his actions. Until recently I have been religious about preventing "accidental" pregnancy but I have stopped taking all my preventative methods...The BF is aware of this but is not using any form of prevention. He doesn't even talk about using precautions or attempt to use them even though I know we have condoms (they are in his nightstand) we could be using.

I have mentioned, several times, that this is the equivalent of playing baby Russian roulette but still no preventative methods of any kind are used.

When I talk to him about this (which is not easy) he says if we "accidentally" get pregnant that's okay we just can not plan or try to get pregnant. WHAT THE HELL!!!!

Isn't having sex with out protection planning on getting pregnant????

I am so very confused by this....his words say no but his actions say yes maybe.

And lets be honest he is going to think I planned it if I do "accidentally" get pregnant so shouldn't I just go ahead and plan it?

Problems in the Bedroom?

The BF and I are having some bedroom problems. We have had problems for awhile but it became a big deal on our recent vacation.

Oh wait not those types of bedroom problems...we are fine in that area. This is a much more intimate problem.

You see The BF is a cuddlier in his sleep and I am more of a don't touch me or I am going to freak out. In fact don't even accidentally be on my side of the bed or I am going to have a nervous brake down. (I may have several issues).

I am not sure at what point this became an issue for me. But I really don't want anyone near me when I sleep not even the cat.

At home we work around this issues by having a really big bed so I can have my space without sleeping in a separate room but on our vacation we had a little queen size bed and The BF accidentally touched me several times...I would instantly wake up and demand that he not touch me anymore. Usually in a not very nice way.

Okay it was a very mean way. Really really mean...that bordered on my head spinning around and demons possessing my soul. I don't like to be woken up especially if it is because someone touches me. (Sometimes I wonder why he doesn't run screaming into the night I am so crazy).

I want to be all cuddly like couples in moves and TV and I am until its time to go to sleep. I may have been single to long.

She's Having a Baby? Maybe!!!!

Last week was a strange week for me, in addition to getting use to my broken wrist, I thought I may be pregnant.

For 6 long days I worried, stressed about and was on the the verge of freaking out about being pregnant.

As you can imagine being 36 years old I have peed on a stick a time or two just to make sure I wasn't pregnant but I never once really thought I was pregnant. In the past it was always more like "I know I am not but just to verify I am taking a test."

This time I really thought I was pregnant. Really I did.

I had even come to terms with the idea of having a baby and started making plans...thought of names.

I even posted on facebook and twitter that I felt a change coming. Now I sit here wondering where is my change? Do I want change? I hate change? Is this my oppurtunity to make a change? Is there change? How many times can I say the word change in one paragraph? I like the song Wind of Change. (8 times).

Now I am slightly disappointed that the results are negative.

You read that right mom! I said I am disappointed.

This is a strange new territory for me. I have been pretty clear on this topic all of my adult life. I didn't want kids. Now I am all confused and reevaluating my path. And its not just me I have to consider, I have to take into account what The BF wants.

Now I am left wondering...do I REALLY want a baby?

There is no easy answer to that but I know I need to do a lot of thinking and talking. And I need to do it soon as my Dr. told me a few years ago...I am not getting any younger.

Regardless I feel like I am at one of those moments in life when you get to choose a new direction. And now I have to ask myself, is that what I want?

And what does The BF want? That to much lets just focus on what I want...I don't know what I want.

I am not a fan of these moments. I was enjoying my life the way it was going. Nice and easy. Now I need to think and have a deep conversation with The BF.  

Don't mind me I am rambling as I do a little soul searching.

The Good, the Bad and the Amazing

I was not going to blog today.

Well not on the blog. I wrote a post on A Girl Named Michael Read a Book.

But then I read the following passage..."If he never does anything different, if he never changes or becomes anyone other than the man he is right now, can you love him, honor him and commit yourself to him for the rest of your life?"

This question had had my mind a buzz with thoughts.

In my varied past I have often gone into relationships thinking that I could change my man into the man I want him to become. I often said its because I could see his potential and wanted him to be a better man. My reasons were always noble and self sacrificing or that's what I would tell myself. I really can twist my bad behavior and make myself look good.

With age has come a little (like tiny) wisdom. I know that I can not change someone any more than I can control peoples reactions to life. (And belief me I have tried to control others). 

But have a truly left my bad behavior behind? Depends on who you ask? My mom will say no. She will say all her kids are demanding and we need to control the world around us. And she is right I am but I do know that I am trying to not control and change The BF. (The rest of the world obviously needs my help.)

The BF is not perfect but than neither I am. I try and remember for everything he does that makes me want to scream I do something that makes him want to bang his head against a wall. The key is to accept that he will always do that thing and it may make you always want to scream but to acknowledge it and decide that you cant scream about it for the next 50 years and get over it.

I am not sure what I am trying to say, this seems to happen a lot recently, and I am not debating the merits of my man and relationship. But I am reminded he is a good guy that deserves my support and respect even when we disagree on everything.