A Conversation Between Two Sister

Last night while I was lost in thought and contemplating all the mysteries of the universe, my Health Nut Sister and I had the following text conversation.

• Health Nut Sister: I want u to know your hug was suspicious earlier
• Me: Are you fucking serious? I was trying to be nice you seemed stressed.
• Health Nut Sister: I'm always stressed.
• Me: I thought you needed support and I was trying to give you some of my strength and Zen through physical touch...apparently I need to work on my transference.
• Me: I am blogging about this
• Health Nut Sister: U never usually hug me just to hug. It almost seemed like a hug of an apology like u were apologizing for a future incident.
• Me: I have no plans to do anything bad to you...I was trying to be supportive.
• Me: My feelings are seriously hurt.
• Health Nut Sister: I didn't think u would do anything bad persay more something that u would make me do for my own good kind of big sister thing.
• Health Nut Sister: I was not meaning to hurt more investigating.

Yes that is right I was accused of giving a suspicious hug because that is how we roll in my family.

Okay okay in my sisters defense I do make her do things that I believe are good for her but its only because I am right and she should really listen to me more often. 

And she pulls the little sister card out all the time. Today she wanted to come to the office and update her resume, she shows ups and hands me a hair tie and asked me to french braid her hair. My sister is 33 and I am still french braiding her hair even though she knows how to french braid. 

You boss siblings around, give suspicious hugs and you french braid hair even when you are both grown up and have families with kid.

You may notice that I never blog about conversation I have with the little sister...that is because she often doesn't answer my texts and she wants approval of all posts about her....she cracks me up. Everyone knows all is fair in war and blogging. 

You Can't Blame Me For Everything

My Health Nut Sister has this bad habit of blaming her kids (my nieces) bad behavior on me. I admit that I can be a less then stellar example but its not all my fault.

In the last two days she has blamed me twice for things her kids have done or said.

Text conversation with my sister

• Sister: I'm running late your niece has been fighting me every step of the way
• Me: Okay (look at me being nice)
• Sister: And this shit is your fault! (do you see her blaming me I am not even with her)
• Me: Why
• Sister: Because if your Damn Fashion talks!

Then just this morning she called me and the conversation went something like this:

• Sister: Do you know what your oldest niece just told me she wanted to be for Halloween?
• Me: I thought she was going to be a zombie.
• Sister: She wants to be Pennywise.*
• Me:  The creepy clown from It?
• Sister: Yes and I was calling to blame you but she just informed me that you are not the one who showed her the picture of Pennywise.
• Me: I hate that clown
• Sister: Well I was mad at you but not anymore.

See other people influence them its not all my fault.

*I was going to include a picture of Pennywise the Clown but that is just to creepy.  I credit Pennywise and Ronald McDonald with intense dislike of clowns.

These Boots are Made for Walking

Aunt Michael impression

Have I mentioned that I have 3 adorable nieces?

I know that I have on several occasions.

One of my nieces has a bit of a shoe obsession...not sure where she gets it but my sister claims that its all my fault.

My sister is probably right.

So it makes perfect sense to me that after I bought some new shoes I would text my niece. After all she would appreciate it the most and I wanted to show them off/brag about them.

• Me: Check out my birthday shoes.
• Niece: Im going to steal your boots
• Me: Good luck with that....they are a size six
• Niece: I can still wear them
• Me: You have to be able to get them off my feet and thats not going to happen baby girl
• Niece: yes it is
• Me: You are sooooo cute but those are my boots
• Niece: No they are going to be mine
• Me: Baby girl you are not mean enough to take my boots off my feet
• Niece: gyfhd bcyfhhfjojhggi jfjjd jfhhhfih (this is her version of swearing)
• Me: Im just trying on my new boots
• Niece: Buttface
• Me: Buttface? Really you should be nicer to me or ill give your bday present to someone else
• Niece: what no.

This morning I got up early just so I could catch her before school to show off/brag about my new boots that I am wearing today.

Imagine my disappointment when I missed her.

Serious I got up an hour early just to show off my new boots to my 10 year old niece.

My Health Nut Sister has said on more than one occasion her children, especially the older one, is more like me than her.

I have often said I fear having children in case they turn out more like my sister then me.

After all I am awesome, cool and according to my niece the only one with style in our family besides her of course.

That's What She and He Said!

I am suffering from a lack of sleep today.

Nothing exciting or sad was happening. I think I just had caffeine to late in the day and my mind didn't not want to shut off.

Because I am to tired to think about anything, I thought I would share some weird things people have said to me recently.

• "Do you have a cooler I can borrow?": This was from my mom. I asked her if she knew who she was talking to because it was obvious she texted the wrong daughter.
• "Did you but all those shoes?": This from my niece who had just seen all the shoes that were in the trunk of my car. I love shoes but I am still an employee at a nonprofit.
• "Did you just trip over your size 5 feet?": This from a friends who should have known that was exactly what I just did. And I wear a 5.5 or a 6 size shoe, thank you very much.
• "You spent how much on your hair cut and color...it looks the same.": This from The BF, I just gave him a dirty look and didn't talk to him for 10 minutes.
• "Are you trying to have a baby?": This from a coworker who read it on my blog. The answer is still Yes, No, Maybe, I don't know. This wasn't such a weird question so much as a common question.

Hopefully tomorrow I will be more rested and can provide you with a thought provoking and insightful post.

Or maybe not.

He Said. No She Said

The BF and I have been fighting a lot.

Its been going on for days.

It started out innocently but has progressed to all out war.

It started like this:

• The BF: Ok call if you can. Love you 
• Me: Love you too.
• The BF: love you more!!
• Me: I love you more.
• The BF: No way Baby!
• Me: Yes way...my capacity to love is beyond anything you can imagine.
• The BF: Oh I can imagine quiet a lot. Like the world!
• Me: Well imagine I love you more than that
• The BF: It wont happen! Not there.
• Me: Are you questioning my love?
• The BF: No I'm knowing mine its stronger than yours.
• Me: No its not

Now when ever we do something we say, "See I love you more."

We are so mature.

We should be relationship role models.

Don't you think?

8th or 12th Grade Words?

The last few days I have been glued to my TV. I don't allow any talking or interruptions. I am not alone in this a number of my family members are doing the same thing...but who wouldn't when its the Olympics.

And I am not going to talk about the medals or competition or any scandals...I am of course going to talk about a funny conversation I had with my 9 (although she is already telling everyone 10) year old niece.

My niece likes to text me...often. She doesn't have her own phone yet so she often texts me from my mom or Health Nut Sisters' phone.

It all started while we were watching the men's gymnastic team qualifiers.

(This conversation took place on my mom's phone)

• 9 Year Old Niece: Michael it is Baylei it is not good looking to have hairy arm pits when im old enough to have a boyfriend i will not date a hairy arm pit guy no no
• Me: Baylei thats discrimination.
•  9 Year Old Niece: I speak 4th grade not 8th grade what does that word mean
• Me: The unjust prejudicial treatment of different categories of people or things
• 9 Year Old Niece: I told you I speak 4th grade you are speaking 12th grade grandma knows what is means but she can not explain it to me.
• Me:  Okay lets try this....the way I used the word basically means you don't like someone because of how they look
• 9 Year Old Niece: You could have said that before

Then last night while we were watching the Men's Team Gymnastic Finals.

(This time from her mom/Health Nut Sister's phone)

• 9 Year Old Niece: Michael it is Bay are you watching the olympics
•  Me: Yes I am...are you?
• 9 Year Old Niece: Yes it was funny when they showed the guys performance in slow motion when he grabbed the bar his arms jiggled.
• Me: LOL...yes they did. I thought of you when they showed the hairy arm pits.
• 9 Year Old Niece:  Just because I said that they have hairy arm pits does not mean that I do not like them
• Me: I know I was teasing you...I thought about how you told me I used 8th and 12th grade words.
• 9 Year Old Niece: Well you did just saying
• Me: Well I think you know more than just 4th grade words. You are really smart.
• 9 Year Old Niece:  I know 3rd, 2nd, 1st and kindergarten
• Me: I bet you know 5th 6th and 7th...you just dont know you know
• 9 Year Old Niece:  I do not know
• Me: Yes you do....you're smart 
• 9 Year Old Niece: Okay whatever you say
• Me: Dont patronize me
• 9 Year Old Niece:  What does that word with the p at the front mean
• Me: To treat with kindness but really feel superior
• Me:  Thats the best definition I could think of that wasnt a 12th grade definition
• 9 Year Old Niece: Sweet
• 9 Year Old Niece: Good job

I have conversations like this all time with my niece. I am not sure if I am aiding her education or hindering it...I am not sure I care.

Coincident?

Last night while I was cuddled up with The BF I had a revelation.

• Me: Honey do you realize that since I have met you I have been in the E.R. twice and broke my wrist.
• The BF: What?
• Me: Remember I cracked my head open on a shelf, my appendix ruptured and now I have broken my wrist.
• The BF: None of that was my fault.
• Me: I know but it has all happened since we started dating.
• The BF: I didn't do anything.

But now I'm wondering if there is some cosmic message I am missing. 

Okay maybe not but its a weird coincident don't you think?

This post took me 20 minutes to type...I'm getting better at one hand typing.

I am not Inviting You to my Cocktail Party

This is a text conversation I recently had with my Health Nut sister

• Sister: Whats the mans name in taming of the shrew that tames elizabeth taylor?
• Me: Richard Burton
• Sister: Is that the characters name? I want the characters name
• Me: Petruchio...I think thats how u spell it. 
• Me: Why do you want to know his name and why did you want to know at 620am
• Sister: I think its a valid ? at 620....
• Me: Nothing is valid at 620 but why did u wnt to know
• Sister: It was bugging me...no real reason
• Me: At 620am u were bugged because u didnt know the name of a character in Taming of the Shrew? Next time Google it.
• Sister: Why? I have you
• Me: Thank u I think. Why were you thinking of Taming of the Shrew anyway
• Sister: Because its my story
• Me: No its not u just think it is. Your story is Much Ado About Nothing
• Sister: I dont understand last sentence please compute
• Me: U make mountains out of mole hills. Its a very funny play. U should read it
• Sister: I should. I am a Shrew I need petruchio
• Me: No The Baby sister is a shrew . U r misguided.
• Sister: Ya know I just wanted to be elizabeth taylor and u ruined it.
• Me: She was married 8 times and died alone
• Sister: Slight insight on her part...
• Me: Im just saying she was a very sad and tragic lady
• Sister: U just added rotten milk to my perfect cocktail
• Me: I just believe u deserve much more than a sad life. You deserve a partner to walk through life with in good and bad times
• Sister: I need petruchio! A ring leader, a man with a set of balls, a dominus
• Me: Nope u dont petruchio he was mean to Katherine...go read the play. He was cruel.
• Sister: Maybe I need some cruelty...he wasnt cruel in the movie...I am referring to the movie.
• Me: Rewatch it...he was very mean in parts they just made it funny.
• Sister: I shouldnt of invited you to my cocktail party.
• Me: LOL...I love u. I did say you deserve a better life than Liz Taylor
• Sister: Its the concept of  petruchio ur literal ass is missing
• Me: I want you to strive for more

Yet another conversation brought to you by the Society for Dysfunctional Conversations

And Baby Makes...

I bet you thought I was going to announce I am pregnant. Despite the fact that I have made myself clear on the subject of having kids (like other peoples kids but don't want any of my own), you read that blog title and got your hopes up. Which brings me to today's topic.

Why does everyone want me to have a baby?

Its actually scary how many people want me to have a baby. In recent months I have heard various forms of the same thing...when are going to have a baby?

Its so bad that a few weeks ago when I had the stomach flu that lingered, which was probably stress. (I get am upset tummy every time I am stressed) All my friends and family thought I was pregnant and keep talking about it to the point were I was so paranoid I bought a pregnancy test just to proof what I already knew. I was not pregnant.

A co-worker/friend along with my mom are conspiring together and make comments like they are going to start spiking my food with antibiotics so my birth control stops working. This has made me so paranoid that when my friend was sick with some bronchial cold in the back of my mind I thought she was faking it so she could get access to the antibiotics and start drugging me.

A local prosecutor keeps telling me that I need to have a kid. He thinks it will make me less of a liberal and more conservative. I told him my baby will be a little peace and love hippie baby complete with a fauxhawk, piercing and tattoo. He laughed and said you will be good at it and you will be more conservative.

Even the Ex-wife/Friend is getting in on the act but for purely selfish reasons. She claims I am so good with her kids I should have one of my own. I tried to explain I am goof with them because 50% of the time they live at her house. It would be different if the child lived with me 24/7. She offered to take the baby on her weekends, this is a ploy to have access to a baby without the responsibilities. She is taking a page from my book.

My mother though has gone nuts. She so wants me to have a baby that the other day we had the following conversation:

• Mom: I think you should have a baby
• Me: Are you kidding?
• Mom: Just try it once to see if you like it.
• Me: Just try it!!!! Really!!!! Its not like I can return a baby after a week if it doesn't work out. Or play with it for a couple months then forget about. Or stick it in the closet when I'm done with it. I'm pretty sure you GO TO JAIL for stuff like that.
• Mom: I am sure your sister (referring to the Health Nut one) would take it if you don't want it.

Thank goodness The BF is on the same page as me. Because the rest of you people are all nuts.

Pickles and Rice are Never Nice!!

A real life conversation between 2 lovers.

• The BF: I hate cucumbers
• Me: Then why did you get them on your sandwhich?
• The BF: I forgot I hated them
• Me: How do you forget you hate cucumbers?
• The BF: I just forget. Are cucumbers what they use to make pickles or is it zucchini?
• Me: Its cucumbers.
• The BF: Its weird I like pickles but hate cucumbers. 
• Me: I hate pickles but love cucumbers.
• The BF: How can you hate pickles?
• Me: I just do.
• The BF: What do you hate about them?
• Me: The texture.
• The BF: Wait you dont like pickles because of the texture?
• Me: Yup
• The BF: Thats weird no one hates foods because of the texture.
• Me: Yes they do
• The BF: No they dont
• Me: Its the same reason I dont like rice, it feels weird in my mouth.
• The BF: You're so weird.
• Me: I know.

Its amazing how deep, thoughtful and philosopical our conversations get not to mention sexy.

The Things We Do for Love!!!

The BF told me the other night that he want to go camping for a week this summer. At first I ignored him, this is not a conversation I wan to have and maybe if I pretend I didn't hear him he will move on to other topic. No such luck!!! He says it again. I smiled my sexiest smile and asked if he wants to go upstairs. I guess I have used that stalling technique before because his response was a dirty look.

• ME: That sounds like fun, you and the kids should do that.
• The BF: Don't you want to go?
• ME: No not really and I have to work.
• The BF: You cant take any days off this summer? 
• ME: Nope.
• The BF: Your a bad liar.
• ME: No I'm Not! I am very good at it if its important.
• The BF: *rolling his eyes* It will be fun.
• Me: Don't you remember what happened last time you took me camping and that was just over night?
• The BF: It wasn't that bad.
• Me: You have apparently blocked it out to do PTSD.
• The BF: Your crazy!
• Me: I have been telling you that for 18 months!

When all this was said and done I agreed to go camping for 3days and 2 nights as long as certain conditions are met. I explain those later

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Today while a coworker and I were running some "work" related errands The BF called. The poor guy had to listen to my tirade regarding people with bad manners who attack me personally. I was seriously irate about the person with no class, taste or appropriate filter and I was plotting my evil take no prisoners’ revenge, which may have involved duct tape and a waffle bat or possibly the total annihilation of the persons self esteem. I'm still debating.

This is the following conversation (it is not exact but this is the gist of it all):

• Penny: Does your BF know that you are crazy?
• Me: Yea but it’s the kind of crazy he can handle.
• Penny: But does he really?
• Me (to the BF): Honey do you know I am crazy?
• The BF: Yea
• Me (to Penny): He said yes he knows.
• The BF: But this is a new side of your crazy. It's a little scary!!!
• Me (to The BF): Shut up!
• Penny: I would like to hear what he has to say about it.
• Me (to Penny) No

Note to self do a better job of hiding the crazy from both co-workers and The BF. Really only family should know how close you are to be committed. On the other hand I already have my defense strategy planned.

Not guilty by reason of insanity!!!!

It that Your Jellybean or My Nail Polish?

The other night I had this conversation with The BF as we lay in bed watching TV. (Yes we are that couple).

• Me: Are you grapping my ass or looking for a jellybean you lost?
• The BF: Looking for a jellybean.
• Me: Okay
• The BF: I'll grap your ass later.
• Me: Okay but I am going to paint my toenails so don't bump me.

In our defense those Starbursts Jellybeans are freaking good and my nail polish was all chipped and its finally open toed sandal season.

You Buy the Condoms, No You Buy the Condoms

Yesterday I woke up very sick. The kind of sick that makes you realise that you need to go to the Dr and get antibiotics no matter how much you hate taking antibiotics. After making the appointment I was talking to The BF and this is the conversation we had:

• The BF: Are you sure?
• Me: Sure about what.
• The BF: You need to go to the Dr and get antibiotics.
• Me: Yes I am sure  (I may have said this snarkily).
• The BF: Won't antibiotics interfere with your other medicine?
• Me: What medicine?
• The BF: Your birth control.
• Me: Thats not medicine.
• The BF: Whatever, wont it interfere with it?
• Me: Yes
• The BF: You better get condoms while your at the store.
• Me: Condoms are your responsibility.
• The BF: Its your birth control and your antibiotics.
• Me: I am not buying condoms.
• The BF: Are you embarrassed to buy them?
• Me: No. I buy the birth control pills you can buy the condoms
• The BF: Your the one who handles the birth control.
• Me: (getting very snarky) I spend $20 every month on birth control. I am not spending any more money if you want to have sex this month I suggestion you go buy some. I am sick and I don't care if we have sex at all this month.
• The BF: I hope you feel better.
• Me: I have got to go make some phone calls. Love you
• The BF: Love you too.

This conversation is brought to you by The National Organization for Dysfunctional Conversations Between Men and Women.

I am all Vanilla all the Time.

Remember that adage be careful what you wish for you might get it. Instead of winning the lottery like I have wished I instead get the vanilla life I recently said I wanted.

I dont know how it came to this but I am currently spending my life packing, hanging with my nieces and spending time with The BF and his kids. We havent even seen any good movies recently. I know you dont believe me but I have text proof that I am now boring:

• ME: Finished*...freaking awesome. Best yet
• Penny: Ah good! This is a really good series
• ME: Im waiting to read bk 6
• Penny: What is "The BF" doing while you read?
• ME: Was wrking on his truck...then wtching TV. We are like an old married peeps...
• Penny: Lol! Thats funny. But nice!

And it is nice sometimes but I worry what in the world I will blog about if my life is vanilla ice cream all the time. I mean who know that I would get boring. Something weird is always happening to me. I am not even having any real emotional issues right now and I can only go on and on about moving in with The BF for so long. At some point I will have to actually move in.

Girls remember your mom/grandma was right. A stitch in time saves nine, a penny saved is a penny earned, your kids will act just like you and most important be careful what you wish for becasue you just might get it. And if you do make a wish make it a good one like Johhny Deep is your love slave or Bradly Cooper and Ryan Reynolds get in a fist fight over who gets to take you out to dinner.

*Speaking of the Morganville Vampire series.

I'm Really Tall for a Oompa-Loompa

Text conversation with my mom about my 12 year old nephew

• Mom: Jamison is taller than me
• Me: Hahahahaha
• Mom: Don't laugh if hes taller than me then he is really taller than you. :-)
• Me: He has been 4 awhile but everyone is so it doesnt bother me

Yes that’s right I am shorter than my mom.

At a whopping 5’1" I am the shortest person in my family. Okay so the 3 year old niece is still way shorter than me and the two 8 year old nieces are shorter but not by much. I know you are shocked because 5'1" is so very tall. How did I end up this short you may ask?

I blame my mother!!!!!

I am not going to go in to details but she knows what she did!*

* I love you mom!!!!