I Am To Funny

Last night my Mom send me this text message.

• Mom: You are mean. Just thinking about that that night makes me sick. And you have to tell the world.

At first I had no idea what she was talking about, it was a really random text. Usually when she sends me random texts I immediately know what she is talking about but this time she had me stubbed.

Then I realized she must have read my blog post from yesterday.

• Me: It was funny
• Mom: No it wasn't
• Me: The next day was funny...when I showed up.

This lead to a brief conversation that involved Health Nut Sister about whither I am funny or not. Which I am. I am freaking hilarious if I do say so myself. And I would like to say seeing a 4 year old (although I think she may have actually been 3) unman two grown women is actually very funny. And its even funnier knowing that at least one of them still gets sick when thinking about that night. ( I can't help it if she doesn't know its funny)

The whole conversation brought up an interesting topic, when you have a blog like this (which is basically me just rambling) what events and topics are off limit? Is anything off limits?

I don't know about you but all is fair in love and blogging.

Personally I won't blog about things that are very personal. That's not true...I do talk about personal stuff all the time. I guess I don't talk about other peoples personal stories, unless there stories involve me and are not hurtful. Unless the hurt is physical pain like the month when I broke my wrist , my niece broke hers and then Health Nut Sister messed up her wrist. That was also funny.

Then we are back to all is fair in love and blogging.

Or is it war and blogging?

I Have No Regrets...Do You?

Recently I started thinking about regrets, I know its not a happy go lucky topic but even I get get serious and deep from time to time. During this time of wondering "I asked do I have any regrets? What decisions did I make that I regret? Would I go back and change anything if the opportunity presented its self?

Not to brag but I couldn't really come up with anything I regret. I had a hard time come up with anything. I know I have said things I regret, I have a tendency to speak my mind (much more in my younger days). But I  try and apologize for the less than kind words I say, so I really don't regret saying them because I own up to my mistake and try to grow from my bad choice.

But decisions and actions...I don't regret. I know you are thinking what kind of sociopath looney tune are you? And that is a valid question, let me try and explain my lack of regret.

Its not that I haven't made bad choices and decision, at times I have made colossal mistakes. Mistakes that have often defined my life and changes the course I was walking. But I don't regret them because they have all led me to this exact moment were I am contemplating if I have regrets.

And in this moment I am happy and content with my life. I know I know could I get anymore cheesy, I hope not. Being this sappy is bad for my image. I am a fun, strange, loud mouthed, slightly (sometimes more than slightly) wacky girl and such a statement from me seems out of place. I will admit being this sentimental is not normal for me but I don't think of it as being sentimental I think its more pragmatic (there is a nickel word for you).

Does this change you opinion of me?

I hope it doesn't, I am the same girl I have always been. I am just not hanging on to the past in an unhealthy way, wait does that make me emotionally/mentally healthy.  Hold on I need to go tell everyone I know that I am healthier than they are...nah nah nah. On second thought, this is freaking me out a little, its possible I don't need as much therapy as I previously thought.

LOL...like I am going to go to therapy, I would just go buy a book about therapy and call it good.

 Not having regrets follows my philosophy that this is the best time of my life. I remember people telling me enjoy high school/college/being single its the best time of your life. That never made sense to me, how could that be the best moment there is so much more to see and experience. I have believed for many years now that the moment I am currently in is the best moment of my life. All the other moments build on each other to get me here and despite the heart brakes, the drama and any sadness, I am letting go of regret and guilt and moving forward.

Okay if I have to have one regret in my life it that I some how let my Health Nut Sister and Mom know that cleaning up vomit doesn't gross me. Its a weird regret I know but I am a weird girl in case you haven't figured that out yet.

This knowledge led to a very funny incident a few years back. My Health Nut Sister hurt her back and Mom was there helping to take care of her and her two daughters. At some point in the night I started to receive phone calls which I didn't answer/ignored. The Next morning after listening to several where are you voice mails. I arrive at my Health Nut Sister's house. I noticed a pile of bedding on the floor, my 4 year old niece was in the tub splashing and playing. When I asked what happened they told me between gagging that said 4 year old got sick in the night and throw up in a glass which my Health Nut Sister almost ended up drinking (remember the hurt back) This caused the Health Nut Sister to bet sick and then my Mom to be sick.

Even the retelling of this story caused the two of them to start gagging. Which I found hilarious because I am a cruel evil person at times. I did kindly clean up my niece, who was feeling much better, and wash all the linens I even cleaned up the vomit on the floor. I am not sure I regret them knowing this, I get to mock them about this and that is always fun for me.

Now that I have rambled on aimlessly making little sense my question is....Do you have regrets?

We Know Mother, We Read the Book

The two books we liked best.

Despite have grown up in rural America my Health Nut Sister and I are lacking in some very basic rural America skill. One of those skills is food preservation, mostly canning because I can freeze the hell out of things. So when my Health Nut Sister and I decided we wanted to start canning, I did what I always do...I read a lot of books on the topic.

I now believe I am an expert canner even though I have only spent two days doing it, but I read 4 books and several blog posts about canning. You may be thinking to yourself. "Girl Named Michael, I don't think that makes you an expert." And you would probably be right but heck I read a book so I am good.

So a canning we will go, and it was surprisingly easy and time consuming. Tomorrow I will share the process, what we canned and our recipes. Right now I want to share the experience we had with our new adventure.

After a late start (my niece got a ring stuck on her finger and it was starting to swell...she is okay now) we started washing all the vegetables for tomato sauce...there was an air of excitement and energy in my Health Nut Sister poorly laid out kitchen. This was our grand adventure and after all our planning it was finally happening.

After cooking our sauce we get down to the business of canning. The steps are not the hard its just takes a long time. And for every step we referenced one of the books we read to make sure we were doing it right. You would think my Health Nut Sister and were striking gold the way we were acting.

After we processed the first batch every time we heard the "pop" we would get excited and giggle. Like a bunch of tweens about to meet which ever teen star is in vogue this week. It was very exciting to be creating something and to REALLY be in control of  what you eat. It is a very freeing feeling.

On the second day we canned Nectarines and despite being tired we were still excited to be canning. On this day our mom joined us. And while we were canning she keep saying different stuff about canning and giving us advice. My sister and I just looked at her and said over and over, "We know mom, we read the book" or occasionally, "That's not what the book said." My mom's response was, "If you would have asked me you would't have to read the book." My eye rolling and sarcastic answer to that was, "I would have read the book anyway. It's what I do."

Please come back tomorrow and I will share the steps to canning and Wednesday the recipes.

How My Sister and I Made 200 Wedding Invitations

Have I mentioned my Health Nut Sister is getting married? No? She is and in her infinite wisdom once she decided to get married she decided 6 weeks was enough time to plan a wedding. I disagree but thanks to the predominate religion in Utah and all of the brides in Utah blogging I found a plethora of sites detailing how to plan a wedding in 6 weeks complete with checklists.

Since my Health Nut Sister and her equally Health Nut Fiancee have 6 kids between them (they are the modern Brady Bunch), they are trying to plan a low budget wedding but still have a classy wedding. This means my sister and are doing most of the stuff ourselves, normally this would be a problem for the two of us as we are not the most crafty people. But thanks to Pinterest we have morphed in to a the Dynamic Crafting Duo. If you would like to see some of our inspirations for her wedding you can check out her wedding board here.

One of the first things we did was wedding invitations with only six weeks we had to get them out ASAP.

After deciding on the invitation that we thought looked like something we could do, I created the basic design on Microsoft publisher. You would think it would be the easiest part and it mostly was, we just had a lot of discussion on the wording.

I thought it would be cute to have the kids announcing the marriage and inviting people to attend. Blending families isn't easy but this was a fun way to connect them. They also have a cute family quote they wanted to add: When you are a family you no longer work as a single unit, you are a team. You accomplish nothing alone but everything together.

I love that they created the motto together as a family.

The next step was deciding on what paper to use for all the elements of the invites. This was the easiest part of the whole process. We then printed off the invites and decided to mount them on cream paper to make them "pop".

The next step was to mount their very cute engagement pictures on corresponding paper. Now these two things sound fairly simple and they are very easy. But they are incredibly time consuming, maybe not if you are creating a dozen or so invites but when you are doing 200, it took us hours...seriously hours. I cant even tell you how many hours this took. And it probably wouldn't have been bad if we had done a little at a time but our deadline was immediately. There was so much cutting and gluing and more cutting and more gluing...have I mentioned the gluing and cutting. My fingers were sticky for days. 

After that we had to add the cute lace element and this is where we got smart, we noticed at our local mega store they have paper dollies so we bought 200 of them (luckily the store had that many) we cut them in half (yes more cutting) and glued (that's right more gluing) them on the back of the invite then folded them over.

 Before I continue I would like to take a minute to thank my coworkers/friends and the ex-wife/friend they took time out of their lunch brake to help us cut, fold, glue and assemble the invitations (yes more cutting and gluing). They actually thought it was fun and enjoyed and helped us speed up the process. They even addressed envelopes and were nice enough to let my sister hand them the invitations for themselves. 

I would also to thank my mom and The BF for helping to entertain my cute nieces while we spend one whole day cutting and gluing (have I mentioned all the cutting and gluing). 

On to assembling the elements of the invite together, we added the engagement picture and the "in lieu of gift card" (they decided that since they are blending households they really don't need anything but if people are inclined they have one request, In lieu of gifts please help our blended family expand our home with gift cards to Home Depot.)

The last thing we did was tie everything with some twine. The end result is very cute, don't you think? 

I would like to give one little word of caution if you decide to take on this project for yourself. The United States Post Office will make you pay extra postage for the invitations. They claim because of the twine, it made the invitations shaped odd and they can not run it through the machine and the stamp has to be hand cancelled hence the extra postage.

This whole process has taught me one thing...if I ever get married I will pay a lot of money to have someone else do my invitations. 

This, of course, is one of several wedding projects we are working on...I will post more as they get completed in less than 3 weeks.

Sex and Cars...What Else is There to Talk About?

This post is going to get a little naughty. If you are very innocent and blush easily you can still read this post like I said its just a little naughty. I just want to be honest from the get go.

This morning I had another issue with my car. I don't think its a bad car just a cheap car that is approaching 100,000 miles and I am pretty sure it was never suppose to get that many miles, so there are all these little things that are starting to go wrong.

Today my car would not start...when I tried to start it all I got was a lot of click click click noises. Not being as car savvy as I should be, I called a lot of people to figure out 1. Why my car was not running? 2. How am I getting to work and getting the "pseudo" step-kids to their summer program?  3. How will I get home from work? 4. How much will it cost me to fix whatever is wrong with my car?

Luckily my brother works close by my house so he took a few minutes over and determined I needed a new battery, which was not surprising my car still had the original battery and its a 2005. But during the course of all my calling I had the following conversation with my mom.

• Me: Can The BF change the battery when he gets home or is this something I have to have done at shop?
• My Mom: He can do it. You could even do it.
• Me: I couldn't do it.
• My Mom: Yes you could. I could do it. You just unhook it and put then put the new one in.
• Me: I could't do it.
• My Mom: Michael, you could do it, its easy.
• Me: Mom that's why I have sex with The BF so he will do these kinds of things for me.

My mom wisely chose to ignore my last comment, I am sure mostly because she thinks I am a smarty pants. 

Later that day after going to buy a new battery I had the following conversation with The BF.

• Me: Honey thank you for taking out my battery and going with me to get a new one and replacing it. I really apperciate you doing all this for me.
• The BF: The things I do to get laid.

That's right he said that. This is why we are together despite are many many many differences we speak the same language of smutty smart a**.

Yes Mom I will Shoot You in the Head

Awhile back I promised to shoot my mom in the head when the time came. Yes that right I agreed to kill my mom by shooting her in the head. And the members of my family that know about this are okay with it..of course only my 10 year old niece knows I am going to shot grandma.

Before you all start calling my local law enforcement, let me explain the story.

A few months ago my mom texted me asking how to kill zombies. Serious this was the text, she wanted to know how to successfully kill zombies. I told her the best way was to shoot them in the head that way you are not to close to risk getting bit and infected and it still stops them in their tracks.

Cute car bad zombie killer!

She then asked so hitting them with a car wouldn't really work would it? As I thought about the possibility of running over a zombie in my Aveo, I started to wonder why my mother is asking me these questions. Is the Zombie Apocalypse at hand? Did I miss it? Should I pack up the family and head for the hills? I told my mom that unless you were severing the brain stem from the spinal cord it would just slow them down not kill them. And then asked why she needed to know this info.

She explained that she was visiting my Aunt and one of my cousins was playing a video game and was driving around in a car killing zombies and she was trying to explain to everyone that that would not really kill zombies. (This is a real conversation...I seriously couldn't make this up. I am not that creative.)

I find this image at cartoon-icio.ru

Being a smarty pants I told my mom its to bad I really like my Aunt and her family but they will not survive the Zombie Apocalypse. At this point my mom asked if I would take her with me when it happens. As I thought about it I told her yes but if she slows me down I am leaving her behind. My mom agreed to this with one condition...I shoot her in the head so she doesn't become a zombie when I leave her behind. I agreed to this condition rather quickly.

I figured it would be an acceptable action under the circumstances and with the zombies around every corner who is going to worry about me shooting my mom.

A few weeks back my 10 year old niece got in on the conversation...I cant remember everything that was said but she agreed that shooting grandma in the head was a reasonable plan.

And that is how I agreed to shoot my mom in the head when the time is right.

After telling The BF this story he asked what about him...I told him I wouldn't shoot him I would keep him as a zombie chained up in the shed like on Shaun of the Dead. This seemed to upset him for some reason. I am not sure why.

8th or 12th Grade Words?

The last few days I have been glued to my TV. I don't allow any talking or interruptions. I am not alone in this a number of my family members are doing the same thing...but who wouldn't when its the Olympics.

And I am not going to talk about the medals or competition or any scandals...I am of course going to talk about a funny conversation I had with my 9 (although she is already telling everyone 10) year old niece.

My niece likes to text me...often. She doesn't have her own phone yet so she often texts me from my mom or Health Nut Sisters' phone.

It all started while we were watching the men's gymnastic team qualifiers.

(This conversation took place on my mom's phone)

• 9 Year Old Niece: Michael it is Baylei it is not good looking to have hairy arm pits when im old enough to have a boyfriend i will not date a hairy arm pit guy no no
• Me: Baylei thats discrimination.
•  9 Year Old Niece: I speak 4th grade not 8th grade what does that word mean
• Me: The unjust prejudicial treatment of different categories of people or things
• 9 Year Old Niece: I told you I speak 4th grade you are speaking 12th grade grandma knows what is means but she can not explain it to me.
• Me:  Okay lets try this....the way I used the word basically means you don't like someone because of how they look
• 9 Year Old Niece: You could have said that before

Then last night while we were watching the Men's Team Gymnastic Finals.

(This time from her mom/Health Nut Sister's phone)

• 9 Year Old Niece: Michael it is Bay are you watching the olympics
•  Me: Yes I am...are you?
• 9 Year Old Niece: Yes it was funny when they showed the guys performance in slow motion when he grabbed the bar his arms jiggled.
• Me: LOL...yes they did. I thought of you when they showed the hairy arm pits.
• 9 Year Old Niece:  Just because I said that they have hairy arm pits does not mean that I do not like them
• Me: I know I was teasing you...I thought about how you told me I used 8th and 12th grade words.
• 9 Year Old Niece: Well you did just saying
• Me: Well I think you know more than just 4th grade words. You are really smart.
• 9 Year Old Niece:  I know 3rd, 2nd, 1st and kindergarten
• Me: I bet you know 5th 6th and 7th...you just dont know you know
• 9 Year Old Niece:  I do not know
• Me: Yes you do....you're smart 
• 9 Year Old Niece: Okay whatever you say
• Me: Dont patronize me
• 9 Year Old Niece:  What does that word with the p at the front mean
• Me: To treat with kindness but really feel superior
• Me:  Thats the best definition I could think of that wasnt a 12th grade definition
• 9 Year Old Niece: Sweet
• 9 Year Old Niece: Good job

I have conversations like this all time with my niece. I am not sure if I am aiding her education or hindering it...I am not sure I care.

No Smoke No Fire

I have had a stomach bug for the last few days....I guess it is going around my little community. I am finally starting to feel better.

Based on my recent desire to have a baby, The BF has been convinced I am in fact pregnant. He thinks this every time I have a stomach ache. He may be a bit dramatic. Since I am feeling mostly better I am sure its the flu.

Out of curiosity I talked to my Health Nut Sister about when she was pregnant and when did she start experiencing morning sickness..her answer was from the moment the line turned blue.

What????

I remember her being very sick with the 2^nd baby (she lived in another state with the 1^st baby). She was seriously sick (she was rather pathetic and inactive...she is never like that) and I remember my mom saying that when she was pregnant with me she was sick from day one to the last day...I think she like The BF is a bit dramatic but that's what she says.

After this recent illness I have been reconsidering this baby thing. I have a sensitive stomach. Not regarding food (I can eat whatever I want most the time) but very time I get stressed, anxious or annoyed I get an upset stomach.

Now I am imagining months and months of upset stomachs.

I know its different for every woman but I am pretty sure that this apple didn't fall far from the tree.

I Am Still the Same Girl

Not so long ago I wrote a guest post for my wonderful friend Eve over at Beautiful Spitup*. In that post I discussed how I have changed since moving in with The BF...and it appears that I am not the only person who has noticed the changes.

My mom thinks I have become a Stepford wife and recently shouted (not in an angry way) at The BF..."Where is my daughter and what have you done to her?"

I am not sure where this sentiment comes from...but it all started when my mom and I were making a shopping list and we were taking about freezer meals and cooking in the crock pot. (I am a huge fan of the crock pot....I am a good cook but lazy). I told my mom how I had spent a couple hours one Sunday chopping chopping chopping vegetables and putting ingredients in freezer bags so that on a morning I am in a hurry I just grab the bag dump everything in it in the crockpot and cook it on low until I get home. She was shocked that I was that organized and would plan ahead.

A couple weeks later we had been discussing our garden and possibly canning some of the vegetables, mostly tomatoes, from it. I have never preserved food before and didn't know what it all entailed. It was at this point my mother turned looked at The BF and asked what have you done to my daughter. Okay maybe if I was her I would be shocked also....after all I am the daughter that didn't acknowledge my food came from anywhere but the grocery store and the restaurant. I know where it comes from I live in a small community but why get my hands dirty when I just had to go buy it.

I don't know what is happening but it is entirely possible that I have some recessive maternal/domestic instincts. I suspect they came from all my pioneer ancestors but until now I was able to suppress those tendencies.

There are a few other things that I have noticed also....like wanting to take a family portrait!!! In the past when I did this it was a joke and I was being a smarty pants (me, the dog Tashi and the fish Thomas...yes the fish) but now I am thinking wouldn't it be nice to have me The BF and the “pseudo” step-kids do a family portrait...something fun and off the wall.

Then there is the summer activities I want to do like go to the zoo....I am not a big fan of the zoo and only go when someone (Health Nut sister) wants me to go to help with the kids. But now I am hell bend on taking the kids to the zoo where we will have a fun family time and I don't want to hear any complaints...we are a family and will pretend to like each other.

I am going to have to start agreeing with my mom (SSSSHHHHH don't tell her I agree with her) I have become a Stepford Wife.

*Since you are heading over to read my guest post please be sure to poke around and check out Eve's awesome blog.

Believe it or Not!

Yesterday I told you all about how I fell while wearing a cute pair of wedges.

What I may not have fully expressed is the constant throbbing in my wrist since that fall. Or the radiating pain in my fingers, elbow and shoulder.

But since I could move all my fingers and wrist I figured I had sprained my wrist and it was no biggie...I painted, typed and went about my life despite the increasing pain.

Then today I debated should I or shouldn't I go to the Dr. I was sure it was sprained or badly bruised but was it hurting bad enough to pay a copay at the Drs office?

Then I called my mother...who told me that I should go to the Dr just in case. This is not what I wanted to hear from my mom. I called hoping she would tell me, "Stop being so damn soft," or "Stop being so silly". So I was very disappointed when she told me to go to get a x-ray.

So after debating it with her for a minute, I called the Dr's office to see if they could get me in tomorrow. But after talking to the office personal and telling them my mother told me to see a Dr they told me if I can get in there right now the Dr can see me.

So I zoom to the Drs, joke with all the staff about my mom making me go to the Dr and before I can even fill out the paper work they take me back.

While the Dr exams my hand he begins to tell me that I could have injured a little bone, the scaphoid, in my hand that is often mistaken as a sprain. He then goes into detail telling me that if this brake goes untreated you have to have surgery that may result in a bone graft. But he doesn't think its broke but to make mom feel better we decide to x-ray it just in case.

So I have x-rays and rather quickly the Dr is back in the room wanting to show me the break in my scaphoid bone.

Yup thats right its broken.

After making a quick call to tell my mom that she may have missed the ruptured appendix but she nailed the broken wrist, I am whisked to another room and they ask me what color of cast would I like.

I would like to say that I was a model patient at this point but all I could do was laugh.

Every time they wrapped the hot pink fiberglass around my wrist I laughed.

Every time the nurse smiled at me I laughed.

When the Dr said its good I listen to my mom, I laughed.

For the next two weeks I have to wear this cast then they will take it off, take more x-rays and then probably put on another cast.

Is it weird that I'm a little excited that I finally broke something and get to wear a cast?

Is it equally weird that not being able to move my thumb is causing me to have anxiety?

Why Do I Love Thee...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. One one-thousand. Two one-thousand. Three one-thousand. Four one-thousand. Five... ---Roger Rabbit

-Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

I often wonder how The BF and I ended up together.

I have many many times blogged about the difference between me and The BF.

I have blogged about us having nothing in common.

We see the world very differently.

We both love football but he likes the one team I love to hate.

And don't get me started on our different decorating style.

My color inspiration!!!

But today I am blogging about one of the many many reasons I love him.

The BF is letting me not arguing with me about painting a wall RED!!!

All my life I have wanted to paint a wall red...maybe not all my life but for sure the last 10 years.

I have mostly lived in apartments or rented houses and the landlords usually frown about painting walls red.

I even tried to get my mom to paint a wall in her house red but she never would let me paint it red. (my sisters tried to help me talk mom into painting the wall red but mom still refused).

But The BF only put up a token protest when I said I wanted to paint a wall red. In fact he is very excited about the red (its a bit more cinnamon but still red)...the yellow is another story. The yellow he is unsure about but he will come around.

So today I love him because even when he doesn't "see" my vision he supports them no matter....although he may question my sanity.

I am Much Better at my Job then Being a Girlfriend

Last week I talked about not knowing how to keep my relationship fresh, fun and moving forward. In my exploration on making sure I don't take The BF for granted to often and get stuck in a rut (which I think is what I was trying to say then). I learned a few things about me that I didn't like but I am unsure how to fix.

I realized that I don't apply all my special skills and talents to my relationship that I should. Not those kind of skills...those skills I use often (sorry mom), I am referring to patience, empathy, sympathy, listening and problem solving (its what makes me so good at my job). I am really good at all of those things unless you are taking about my relationship...I tend to leave all those skills at the office.

I have no idea why I do this. These skills come in handy at home as much as they do at work.

Is it because I do it all the time at work and I then to tired to do it at home?

Is it because no one is paying me to do it at home? (That's an interesting idea).

Or is it because until I started typing this post I never thought..."Hey start being as patient with The BF, mom, sisters, "pseudo" step-kids as you are with your clients."

This is not going to be easy.

I am not a very patient person.

I really just want everyone to do what I tell them to do when I tell them to do it without any argument. I don't thinks that is to much to ask.

Is it?

Biological Clock...Tick Tock

Sometimes just sometimes my biological clock starts beeping and before I get a chance to to hit the "snooze button" I am fully aware that I am 37 and don't have any kids.

Mostly I don't care and it doesn't bother me at all...yesterday was not one of those day.

Yesterday I was hanging out with two of the cutest 7 month old twin girls. In addition to being just as cute as two bugs in a rug, they were happy babies that were laughing smiling and keeping me fully entertained.

And now I an aware of the very obvious fact that I am 37 years old and don't have kids....can you hear that. Its my mom cheering and The BF having a panic attack!!!

Calm down everyone!!!

I am not going to start trying to have a baby. It just means that even I I can be lured to the other side. It just means that occasionally I think I want a cute happy baby. Lucky for The BF and unlucky for my mom I have watched enough TV to know babies are not always cute and happy.

I also know I really like my life and having a baby will not make it any better.

Thankful Tuesday

Its Tuesday and already I can tell you its not a good week for me.

In addition to discovering some not nice things people have been saying, I also have a sinus infection. I'm really struggling to find the funny lighter side in this week but I am having a hard time doing that so instead I am going to focus on the things that are really good right now. 

Instead of a Thankful Thursday we are having Thankful Tuesday....I know I am such a rebel.

1. A very supportive BF. His outrage on my behalf along with his sweetness really made my day better. Add in his endless compliments about my experimental dinner and I am one lucky girl.
2. Kick butt Sisters. My sister and I don't always agree but they are always there to stand up with me and make me laugh. (Or laugh at me)
3. Sympathetic Mom. Not only can she sympathize with me but she often talks me down of the ledge of the crazy I work to keep buried.
4. Co-workers that always make me feel necessary to the office. 

Thanks everyone for being in my life.

I Deeply Regret My Choice

Sometimes there comes a moment in your life when you are struck with how many bad choices you have made in your life. You are left with regret, fear and the overwhelming desire to go back in time and change.

For me that moment came on Tuesday night when I stepped out of the bathroom after showering.

When I opened the door I noticed a few things:

1. The light was on in the hallway
2. My house was unusually quite
3. The BF, "pseudo" step-daughter and the dogs were missing. (The cat had been in the bathroom with me).

I normal person would not have jumped to the conclusion I did. A normal person would have immediately thought "I bet The BF took the kids to The Ex-Wife/Friend...its that time of the day. I bet they left in a hurry and left the light on and I bet they let the dogs out before they left."

This was not my first thought and if you are relate to me, a close friend or have spent any time reading my blog you are not surprised that my immediate thought wasn't normal.

My immediate thought ran more towards;

1. Alien abduction (I don't believe in aliens)
2. Michael Myers, from Halloween movies, type killer has kidnapped my family.
3. Spontaneous combustion.

(Notice I didn't think it was the Rapture because then I would have been gone and The BF would have been left behind because I am much nicer than him ....hahahaha. Sorry that was a bad joke.)

After I had my initial crazy thoughts my mind settled and I realized that everything was fine. That is when I started to question the choices I had made in my life. Not all the choices just the one that involved me watching every horror movie every made and reading all the suspense,horror/paranormal books. I was really beginning to regret those choice.

Now I am thinking I should have made more wholesome movie and book choices...things I could watch with my mom and books I can discuss with my grandma.

Is it to late to change?

Of course I am betting the damage is already done and my psyche is beyond repairable. Plus I did just get a new horror book on my Kindle...

I Can't Swim or Pee in the Woods

My mom has taught me many many things through out my life most notably...I make really good gravy.

That's right I said I make good gravy.

In my family this is a very important skill....because we love gravy.

I can make all kinds of gravy: from scratch, from a package, white gravy, brown gravy, for turkey dinners or beef. It is an amazing skill and most important my gravy is never lumpy.

Once when my Health Nut sister was pregnant with her youngest she called me at 9:37PM to drive over to her house and make her biscuits and gravy because I know how to make it just right and she was in the middle of a viscous and rather bizarre craving.

Despite passing on this valuable skill to me, her oldest daughter, my mother claims she has failed me because I cant pee in the woods without peeing on my leg. My younger sisters can do this but I was never able to master this valuable skill.

Then it dawned on me I don't like the Great Outdoors (I do like the movie The Great Outdoors...the scene with the bear still cracks me up). Maybe the reason I never mastered the skill is so I would always have a reason to not be in the woods.



After all bad things happen to those who go camping. if you don't believe me go watch Friday the 13th. (A friend recently told me I watch to many horror movies...she may be right).

I would like to note that I also cant swim but my mom doesn't think this is as important as being able to pee in the woods or make really good gravy.

Dancing in the Dark

Recently I have become very obsessed with being prepared for a natural disaster and how I would survive in case of said disaster. If I survived would I become a causality of my own stupidity? Or would my survival instincts kick in? Do I even have survival instincts?

This all started last week when during a snow storm we briefly lost power to the house. It was only out for a less than an hour so it was not a big deal (unlike my cousin who lost power for three DAYS!!!!) but The BF was not at home and it was just me and the 6 year old "pseudo" stepdaughter. 

I was busy playing on the laptop when poof no more lights. I sat there for a second and yelled to the 6 year old asking if she was okay. She giggled and said, "Yes but I cant see." I grabbed my phone (thank goodness for that flashlight app) and went looking for her. When I found her she had a look that said now what. I looked at her and said we need to find the flashlights. That's when I realized I have no idea where we keep the flashlights. We would have just sat in the dark except the 6 year old knew where the flashlights were kept. 

So at this point I started thinking my mom (she has such faith in my abilities) was right I wouldn't survive if a catstropic disaster happened. I am a girl who hates "roughing it". I'm a girl who surrounds herself with creature comforts unapologetically. But does that make me automatically unable to survive? 

I start to worry that if I survive that apocalyptic earthquake that is suppose to occur any day now in Utah I'll still end up a causality because I don't know where anything is and to be honest I am not sure how to use most of them (except of course for flashlights).  Seriously what would I do...you cant rely on the government to provide help. 

I do have a 72 hour kit in my car but I won it in a drawing and I am not sure whats in it beyond a tent (which I hope has instructions) and some granola bars which are probably not good any more.

So okay I didn't know where the flashlights where but I was with someone who did and it doesn't matter that she was 6 years old. I think the reason I don't know how to do these things is because I surround myself with people who do and that's a kind of survival skill...right??? 

I mean I won't sit around and not pitch in I just need someone to tell me what needs to be done so   I can do it. 

Luckily I am surrounded by those who do know and at least one of them is bound to survive what ever disaster strikes and I can just ride their coattails to surviving. 

Now that I have that all figured out I can relax and go back to my comfortable life and now I at least know where we keep the flashlights.

Dont Ask me Ask Google

I want to start this post by saying I don't think I am the smartest person in my family. I think the smartest person is my baby sister.  I don't want to be mean to the other siblings but you all know its true. She is very book smart and pretty street smart...not living on the mean streets of the big bad city smart more practical smart. Of course she is also pretty weird but that's a story for another post.

Back to me not being the smartest that doesn't mean I am not pretty smart. My mom would say I have a smart mouth. The BF says I am a smart ass. I think that I excel at finding the answer. Even before the World Wide Web took over I knew how to find answers. I am good at. I am also pretty good at retaining the information I learn.

This has let to a recent and bizarre phenomena in my family....ok its just mom and the health nut sister but close enough.

Its been going on for awhile but I have only just noticed it.

My family (again mom and health nut sister) asks my random questions and I am expected to know the answer...let me give you a few examples.

Mom, Health Nut Sister and the Nieces went to a local restarunt that has a daily trivia question.

If you get the question right you get a free dessert or appetizer.

The question that day was

A pregnant lady named her children: Dominique, Regis, Michella, Fawn, Sophie and Lara.

What will she name her next child? Jessica, Katie, Abby or Tilly?

My mom texted me and asked my what the answer was.

I texted her back Tilly. I was correct and they got free dessert.

Just the other day my mom sent me the following text.

Who was the female Prime Minister of England?

Margaret Thatcher I answer.

And then of course there was the question that sparked a bizarre conversation from my sister wonder who was the male character in Taming of the Shrew.


And just today my mom wanted me to find out some information for her. 
I told her she should just Google it and she said but you are so good at it.
I told her but I am not Google and she said even Health Nut Sister said to ask me.

Now I am wondering when did I become the family alternative to the internet? 

To be honest if I don't know the answer (and sometimes I do for no good reason) I just pull out my phone/laptop or other device and Google it. 

Why can't my family do that?

The answer from my mom, "Why should I Google it I have you!!!!" Really???

My family is weird.

Shimmy and Shake

Some days my only goal is to see how long it takes my mom to say my name in exasperation.

Not in an angry way. In that way that says I have no idea why you are the way you are and I don't know what to do with you.

I cant decided if this is normal or not. After all at the age 36 should I be this excited to see my mother sigh in frustration at her offspring..of course after she sighs she usually laughs because I am being goofy.

Take for example the other day. I drove my mom to a Dr's appointment as we were walking out of the room I did a little shimmy dance. My mom looks at me and said, "I bet you didn't think I would notice you did that." My response was "I bet you didn't think I would do that in the middle of the Dr's office." Mom sighed and smiled. Unfortunately she didn't say my name in exasperation. It was a fail on my part. I will need to try harder.

But to be honest I get this trait from her. I remember once back when I was a harden teenager my mom dragged me and my siblings to a Christmas village. But as a teenager I had no desire to be with my family and as I am walking around sullenly my mom all the sudden grabs my hands and starts dancing around with me to Christmas Carols. Beyond being mortified I learned a valuable lesson....

Ok I didn't learn a lesson but I did learn its fun to be a little outrageous in public when you are suppose to be serious.

At Least my Hair Looks Good

You may have noticed that once again I have been absent from my blog and my tweets are few and far between. I guess the world was not done with my family. In fact I would be surprised if there was an Emergency Room in Northern Utah my family hasn't visited in the last few weeks.

As you know my appendix ruptured and I had to have emergency surgery right before Thanksgiving and we all thought that was scary but things did not stop there oh no. That was only the beginning of ER visits for my family.

Since mom was scheduled to have a hip replacement surgery we decided to have our stocking decorating Christmas Party early so here we were all over at moms when my sister (very dramatically) says to my step-dad, "Whats wrong with your face?" As we all turn our attention to him we notice his face his droopy and his speech is slurred. So my sister and mom rush himthe the local ER were they inform us its not a stroke but Bells Palsey.

The following Monday mom has her surgery as scheduled only that evening my sister notices my dad is worse so she takes him back to the ER (which luckily was down the hall from moms hospital room). After the Dr telling us again it was Bells Palsey my sister took him home very unsatisfied with the answers we are getting. After more appointments and tests that we insisted on the determined he had a stroke.

Just when we thought things were moving forward and people were getting better my mom texts me and says:

• MOM: Grandma T is being transported to the hospital. She is having a heart attack. Your sister is with Pa. I will let you know what is happening.

Suddenly my life is like a bad soap opera. I immediately drive through the treacherous canyon. to go sit with my mom and niece while my sister takes my step-dad to the Emergency Room to be with his mom who ended up getting life flighted to a hospital in a bigger city.

Just when we thought everything was quite again (grandma is doing very well they were able to clear out the blockage, place a stint in her artery and place a temporary pacemaker) we had to (and by we I mean my sister) rush my sister to the Emergency Room. Yup hospital staff now knows us by our first now. Moms leg was swollen and the Drs were worried about a blood clot. Luckily they didn't find one.

Needless to say December has been a rough month for us. I want to skip it and go straight to 2012. Nothing bad can happen in 2012 except that world ending thing. But after everything we have been through that doesn't seem like that big of a deal.