Dream Believe Imagine

My 11 year old niece had a school assignment last week that got me thinking. Her assignment was to write a paper or do an art project with the theme Dream Believe Imagine.  She and I had a long talk about how this type of assignment is subjective and open to interpretation but I started thinking…what I would write about that theme.

We talked about what it means and it lead to a funny conversation between her and I but mostly I started thinking about what do I dream and believe and imagine. I started thinking about the things that are most important, causes I believe in, and what are my hopes for the future and my mind keep going back to the same topic…food insecurity in America.

I know it’s a bizarre topic to dream, believe, and imagine about but I did, let me help you get there.

I grew up with food insecurities, in fact I was about my niece’s age. My mom, who was a single working mom at the time, had just lost her job when I realized that we may not have enough food in our house.  From the time she got laid off for 4 months food was scarce in our house. We were lucky in that we didn't go to bed hungry like many but we ate a lot of Ramen Noodles and that cheap store brand macaroni and cheese that cost 5 cents a box. I was acutely aware that my mom would not eat at times to make sure us kids had enough food each night.

Even after she got a job I was aware that we were different from my friends because while we had more food in the house there were times when we didn't. Paydays were always exciting as mom would make up the grocery list and we would have good food in the house for the next two weeks or at least for part of the next two weeks. It’s not like we ate steak and lobster but we would have hamburger and chicken those were always good times.

Eventually before the next payday we would start to run out of food again and dinner would consist of gravy on toast. Which surprisingly was one of my favorite meals if mom made it from the bacon drippings and not tuna. (It just accord to me that this may be why I make kick ass gravy). Or the cheap cans of soup that never fill you up and don’t taste good.

It’s because of this that I am acutely aware at all times what food is in the fridge and cupboard. I always know what I have and don’t have. I, to this day, just open up the cupboards and take a mental stock of what is there. (I will admit when I was single and care free I often didn't have food in my home…I had every restaurant menu in a 10 mile radius memorized. And I knew every day where I was going to have breakfast, lunch and dinner and what I was going to order so I was still taking stock of all the food I had access to).

This brings me to my niece’s assignment….I dream of time when no one in America should be hungry or worry about their next meal. I believe that if everyone donated one meal a week (nothing fancy cans of chili and a box of cornbread mix will do) we could end food insecurity. I imagine a world where people are compassionate enough to donate year round.

When you are out shopping for your weekly and/or holiday grocery shopping please consider donating a few cans to your local food bank.  They do amazing things in communities and can use all the support they can receive. If you can’t donate food items consider donating a little of your time. Or organize a food drive at your church, place of business or in your community.

I think my niece drew a picture of Africa, she dreams of going on a safari...I like her dream too.

You Can't Blame Me For Everything

My Health Nut Sister has this bad habit of blaming her kids (my nieces) bad behavior on me. I admit that I can be a less then stellar example but its not all my fault.

In the last two days she has blamed me twice for things her kids have done or said.

Text conversation with my sister

• Sister: I'm running late your niece has been fighting me every step of the way
• Me: Okay (look at me being nice)
• Sister: And this shit is your fault! (do you see her blaming me I am not even with her)
• Me: Why
• Sister: Because if your Damn Fashion talks!

Then just this morning she called me and the conversation went something like this:

• Sister: Do you know what your oldest niece just told me she wanted to be for Halloween?
• Me: I thought she was going to be a zombie.
• Sister: She wants to be Pennywise.*
• Me:  The creepy clown from It?
• Sister: Yes and I was calling to blame you but she just informed me that you are not the one who showed her the picture of Pennywise.
• Me: I hate that clown
• Sister: Well I was mad at you but not anymore.

See other people influence them its not all my fault.

*I was going to include a picture of Pennywise the Clown but that is just to creepy.  I credit Pennywise and Ronald McDonald with intense dislike of clowns.

My Eulogy

If I was to write my own eulogy it would probably go something like this...

A Girl Named Michael died tragically today in a freak accident, she was crushed by a bookshelf that she had overloaded with books.

Michael was born in a small Idaho town, for 18 months her life was perfect and then her parents brought home one of several siblings. She then spent the rest of her life bossing her siblings, parents, coworkers and random strangers around. She could often be heard saying, "I told you I was right."

For years she lived an unsettled slightly vagabond life never really satisfied with what was going on, until she moved back to her small town. She loved being close to her nieces and nephews so much she decided that living in the small town was acceptable.

She meet her life partner The BF through his ex-wife, she could often be heard giggling about having the best how we meet story in the world. She took great pains trying to be a good and off beat "pseudo" step-mom...she really succeeded in the off beat part, the good part is subjective.

She is survived by her beloved dog Tashi, cat Tigger and a bunch of family. Actually a lot of family, more family then one girl should have and it would take to long to mention them all. But she loved them almost as much as the dog and cat.

She leaves behind a closet full of unfinished projects, more scarves then one person should own and a legacy of klutziness.

How My Sister and I Made 200 Wedding Invitations

Have I mentioned my Health Nut Sister is getting married? No? She is and in her infinite wisdom once she decided to get married she decided 6 weeks was enough time to plan a wedding. I disagree but thanks to the predominate religion in Utah and all of the brides in Utah blogging I found a plethora of sites detailing how to plan a wedding in 6 weeks complete with checklists.

Since my Health Nut Sister and her equally Health Nut Fiancee have 6 kids between them (they are the modern Brady Bunch), they are trying to plan a low budget wedding but still have a classy wedding. This means my sister and are doing most of the stuff ourselves, normally this would be a problem for the two of us as we are not the most crafty people. But thanks to Pinterest we have morphed in to a the Dynamic Crafting Duo. If you would like to see some of our inspirations for her wedding you can check out her wedding board here.

One of the first things we did was wedding invitations with only six weeks we had to get them out ASAP.

After deciding on the invitation that we thought looked like something we could do, I created the basic design on Microsoft publisher. You would think it would be the easiest part and it mostly was, we just had a lot of discussion on the wording.

I thought it would be cute to have the kids announcing the marriage and inviting people to attend. Blending families isn't easy but this was a fun way to connect them. They also have a cute family quote they wanted to add: When you are a family you no longer work as a single unit, you are a team. You accomplish nothing alone but everything together.

I love that they created the motto together as a family.

The next step was deciding on what paper to use for all the elements of the invites. This was the easiest part of the whole process. We then printed off the invites and decided to mount them on cream paper to make them "pop".

The next step was to mount their very cute engagement pictures on corresponding paper. Now these two things sound fairly simple and they are very easy. But they are incredibly time consuming, maybe not if you are creating a dozen or so invites but when you are doing 200, it took us hours...seriously hours. I cant even tell you how many hours this took. And it probably wouldn't have been bad if we had done a little at a time but our deadline was immediately. There was so much cutting and gluing and more cutting and more gluing...have I mentioned the gluing and cutting. My fingers were sticky for days. 

After that we had to add the cute lace element and this is where we got smart, we noticed at our local mega store they have paper dollies so we bought 200 of them (luckily the store had that many) we cut them in half (yes more cutting) and glued (that's right more gluing) them on the back of the invite then folded them over.

 Before I continue I would like to take a minute to thank my coworkers/friends and the ex-wife/friend they took time out of their lunch brake to help us cut, fold, glue and assemble the invitations (yes more cutting and gluing). They actually thought it was fun and enjoyed and helped us speed up the process. They even addressed envelopes and were nice enough to let my sister hand them the invitations for themselves. 

I would also to thank my mom and The BF for helping to entertain my cute nieces while we spend one whole day cutting and gluing (have I mentioned all the cutting and gluing). 

On to assembling the elements of the invite together, we added the engagement picture and the "in lieu of gift card" (they decided that since they are blending households they really don't need anything but if people are inclined they have one request, In lieu of gifts please help our blended family expand our home with gift cards to Home Depot.)

The last thing we did was tie everything with some twine. The end result is very cute, don't you think? 

I would like to give one little word of caution if you decide to take on this project for yourself. The United States Post Office will make you pay extra postage for the invitations. They claim because of the twine, it made the invitations shaped odd and they can not run it through the machine and the stamp has to be hand cancelled hence the extra postage.

This whole process has taught me one thing...if I ever get married I will pay a lot of money to have someone else do my invitations. 

This, of course, is one of several wedding projects we are working on...I will post more as they get completed in less than 3 weeks.

Yes Mom I will Shoot You in the Head

Awhile back I promised to shoot my mom in the head when the time came. Yes that right I agreed to kill my mom by shooting her in the head. And the members of my family that know about this are okay with it..of course only my 10 year old niece knows I am going to shot grandma.

Before you all start calling my local law enforcement, let me explain the story.

A few months ago my mom texted me asking how to kill zombies. Serious this was the text, she wanted to know how to successfully kill zombies. I told her the best way was to shoot them in the head that way you are not to close to risk getting bit and infected and it still stops them in their tracks.

Cute car bad zombie killer!

She then asked so hitting them with a car wouldn't really work would it? As I thought about the possibility of running over a zombie in my Aveo, I started to wonder why my mother is asking me these questions. Is the Zombie Apocalypse at hand? Did I miss it? Should I pack up the family and head for the hills? I told my mom that unless you were severing the brain stem from the spinal cord it would just slow them down not kill them. And then asked why she needed to know this info.

She explained that she was visiting my Aunt and one of my cousins was playing a video game and was driving around in a car killing zombies and she was trying to explain to everyone that that would not really kill zombies. (This is a real conversation...I seriously couldn't make this up. I am not that creative.)

I find this image at cartoon-icio.ru

Being a smarty pants I told my mom its to bad I really like my Aunt and her family but they will not survive the Zombie Apocalypse. At this point my mom asked if I would take her with me when it happens. As I thought about it I told her yes but if she slows me down I am leaving her behind. My mom agreed to this with one condition...I shoot her in the head so she doesn't become a zombie when I leave her behind. I agreed to this condition rather quickly.

I figured it would be an acceptable action under the circumstances and with the zombies around every corner who is going to worry about me shooting my mom.

A few weeks back my 10 year old niece got in on the conversation...I cant remember everything that was said but she agreed that shooting grandma in the head was a reasonable plan.

And that is how I agreed to shoot my mom in the head when the time is right.

After telling The BF this story he asked what about him...I told him I wouldn't shoot him I would keep him as a zombie chained up in the shed like on Shaun of the Dead. This seemed to upset him for some reason. I am not sure why.

These Boots are Made for Walking

Aunt Michael impression

Have I mentioned that I have 3 adorable nieces?

I know that I have on several occasions.

One of my nieces has a bit of a shoe obsession...not sure where she gets it but my sister claims that its all my fault.

My sister is probably right.

So it makes perfect sense to me that after I bought some new shoes I would text my niece. After all she would appreciate it the most and I wanted to show them off/brag about them.

• Me: Check out my birthday shoes.
• Niece: Im going to steal your boots
• Me: Good luck with that....they are a size six
• Niece: I can still wear them
• Me: You have to be able to get them off my feet and thats not going to happen baby girl
• Niece: yes it is
• Me: You are sooooo cute but those are my boots
• Niece: No they are going to be mine
• Me: Baby girl you are not mean enough to take my boots off my feet
• Niece: gyfhd bcyfhhfjojhggi jfjjd jfhhhfih (this is her version of swearing)
• Me: Im just trying on my new boots
• Niece: Buttface
• Me: Buttface? Really you should be nicer to me or ill give your bday present to someone else
• Niece: what no.

This morning I got up early just so I could catch her before school to show off/brag about my new boots that I am wearing today.

Imagine my disappointment when I missed her.

Serious I got up an hour early just to show off my new boots to my 10 year old niece.

My Health Nut Sister has said on more than one occasion her children, especially the older one, is more like me than her.

I have often said I fear having children in case they turn out more like my sister then me.

After all I am awesome, cool and according to my niece the only one with style in our family besides her of course.

Perpetual Sadness

There is a sadness about you today.

Someone said that to me yesterday.

There is a sadness about you today.

They were right.

I have a sadness to me that has been with me all day.

Its the sadness that cuts you apart and shakes you to the core.

I had tried to go about my day like nothing is wrong but apparently I failed.

But my sadness is not my tale to tell.

Its not even about me.

My niece wearing my shoes

I am going to try and move my focus.

I am going to focus on my youngest niece.

My youngest niece and I have a very special bond. The kind of bond that Aunts dream of having with their nieces or nephews. From the moment she came screaming into my life we have been close. I love all my nieces and nephews and have a special bond with them all but I have a very special bond with the youngest.

My Health Nut Sister send me this text on Saturday about her youngest daughter.

• I told Ashton that Baby Sister was here and she said ok. not very excited then she said Baby Sister can be sissy's (meaning her older sister) Aunt because Michael is my Aunt and I like her better...lol..thought that would make u feel good.

How could that not lighten my heart? I have focused on that thought a lot that last few days.

8th or 12th Grade Words?

The last few days I have been glued to my TV. I don't allow any talking or interruptions. I am not alone in this a number of my family members are doing the same thing...but who wouldn't when its the Olympics.

And I am not going to talk about the medals or competition or any scandals...I am of course going to talk about a funny conversation I had with my 9 (although she is already telling everyone 10) year old niece.

My niece likes to text me...often. She doesn't have her own phone yet so she often texts me from my mom or Health Nut Sisters' phone.

It all started while we were watching the men's gymnastic team qualifiers.

(This conversation took place on my mom's phone)

• 9 Year Old Niece: Michael it is Baylei it is not good looking to have hairy arm pits when im old enough to have a boyfriend i will not date a hairy arm pit guy no no
• Me: Baylei thats discrimination.
•  9 Year Old Niece: I speak 4th grade not 8th grade what does that word mean
• Me: The unjust prejudicial treatment of different categories of people or things
• 9 Year Old Niece: I told you I speak 4th grade you are speaking 12th grade grandma knows what is means but she can not explain it to me.
• Me:  Okay lets try this....the way I used the word basically means you don't like someone because of how they look
• 9 Year Old Niece: You could have said that before

Then last night while we were watching the Men's Team Gymnastic Finals.

(This time from her mom/Health Nut Sister's phone)

• 9 Year Old Niece: Michael it is Bay are you watching the olympics
•  Me: Yes I am...are you?
• 9 Year Old Niece: Yes it was funny when they showed the guys performance in slow motion when he grabbed the bar his arms jiggled.
• Me: LOL...yes they did. I thought of you when they showed the hairy arm pits.
• 9 Year Old Niece:  Just because I said that they have hairy arm pits does not mean that I do not like them
• Me: I know I was teasing you...I thought about how you told me I used 8th and 12th grade words.
• 9 Year Old Niece: Well you did just saying
• Me: Well I think you know more than just 4th grade words. You are really smart.
• 9 Year Old Niece:  I know 3rd, 2nd, 1st and kindergarten
• Me: I bet you know 5th 6th and 7th...you just dont know you know
• 9 Year Old Niece:  I do not know
• Me: Yes you do....you're smart 
• 9 Year Old Niece: Okay whatever you say
• Me: Dont patronize me
• 9 Year Old Niece:  What does that word with the p at the front mean
• Me: To treat with kindness but really feel superior
• Me:  Thats the best definition I could think of that wasnt a 12th grade definition
• 9 Year Old Niece: Sweet
• 9 Year Old Niece: Good job

I have conversations like this all time with my niece. I am not sure if I am aiding her education or hindering it...I am not sure I care.

A Day Like Any Other?

Before I begin this story I want you to know that every thing is okay. No one was harmed in the making of this story.

That's a dramatic start isn't it.

Yesterday started out like any other day. Nothing out of the ordinary...everything was right as rain despite not having any rain for weeks.

Then I received a test from my mom saying my nephew and niece were missing and that they had been missing for a few hours. At first I was very confused. How could they be missing? That just didn't make sense in my mind. As soon as I was able to I called my mom for clarification because she must be wrong they cant be missing.

But she was correct they were in fact missing...last known to be at the park.

I was just sitting in my car distraught and unsure of what do we do next...so I waited. I text my brother and told him to let me know if you need me but still I sat in my car.

Eventually the kids were found unharmed and fine. They didn't even know they were missing, they went to a friends house without permission.

Before I know they were okay my mind went to that bad place.

That place were I store all the horrific things I see and hear because of the nature of my job.

I know how evil people can be to children.

I know in detail what happens to kids who are missing.

I make a big effort to store that stuff in a locked box in my mind.

I try to focus on the good and the people I help.

Its not always easy but you have to do that to stay sane.

And today I am very thankful that they were being normal kids and just went some where with out telling.

I know they probably got in some trouble but when I see them this weekend I am going to have a conversation about doing things that may cause Aunt Michael to get a wrinkle and how I that is never good.

Please hug the kids in your life today.

Three of a Kind, Working on a Full House

As you may have heard I broke my wrist, (in case you haven't heard you can check out my story here), but in my family one brake is never the end of the story. We like to do everything in threes.

My sister and her removable brace. I hate her.

You see in an attempt to be just like me my sister, The Health Nut, broke her wrist also. She has a much better story than I do (I need to stop admitting what happened and come up with a better story).

Honestly we don't know for sure it is broke her had was very swollen and the ER doctor wants her to see a orthopedic doctor to be sure but there is a really good chance its broken. Same wrist different bone.

And now my mom has just informed me that one of my nieces fell and broke her right wrist.

I don't know all the details about her fall but its obvious she is related by blood and a complete lack of grace.

Poor thing.

I wonder who is next?

Greatest Aunt Ever or A Day in The Life of Me: Part 3

After "finding my car keys" and "kicking" the dog you would think the adventure of my day would end....but it didn't. I thought, oh yea I get to go shopping with the girls. I love shopping with them. Taking my nieces shopping for their mom's birthday and Christmas present has started to become a bit of a tradition for us.

I headed over to my sister's house to get my nieces and after my sister gives me a list of things she wanted (none of which we bought) we load up in my car and both my nieces were talking a mile a minute. The 9year old informs me she is going to be on TV because news people were at her school (I think it was for a good reason instead of a scandalous one). Then the 4year old one is saying she was on TV. The 9year old called a red Volkswagen bug and the 4year old calls a white truck (don't ask)...you get the picture.

So we start out in the purse aisle(my sister wanted one of these) now I found one ON SALE that my sister would have liked but after thinking about the 9year old decides she doesn't want to get her mom a purse. Never mind that we have been talking about getting her a purse the whole way to the store.

So I put the purse back and ask what do you want to get her...the answer jewelery (I can tell you this because my sister doesn't read my blog). So after trying on hats and scarves we headed to the jewelery but even this was not an easy task.

We start looking at necklaces and the 4year old starts playing with the bracelets (I taught her well) and the 9year old is being very indecisive about what to get her mom. I keep trying to get her to pick and she wouldn't...

• Me: What about this necklace? 
• 9year old: My mom wouldn't like that.
• Me: Are you sure? I like it and I think your mom would too.
• 9year old: Michael you and my mom are very different. You have fashion (meaning style) she doesn't. (This is really how she talks...cracks me up)

We finally start picking things out when the 9yr old gets upset that the 4yr old gets to pick out the earrings because she got to pick them out last year. Then the 4yr old gets mad cause she doesn't like the necklace the 9yr old picked out. After tears, nasty looks and pouting each girl got to pick out a necklace and earrings. Good thing that money tree in the backyard finally bloomed.

Just as we are about to go get wrapping paper the 4year old decided we are not done with the earrings yet.

• 4year old: I want these earring.
• Me: Sweetie we are here to buy your mom a present.
• 4year old: (Now with tears) But I only got one pair of earrings for my birthday.
• Me: Well maybe we can write a letter to Santa and he can bring you some
• 9year old: We already wrote letters to Santa.
• 4year old: (Now really crying) I want Santa to bring me these earrings.
• Me: (Glaring at the 9year old and talking to the 4year old) We can write another letter saying you would also like some earrings.

As we are walking away from everything shiny and golden the 9year old decides she need to go the bathroom so of course so does the 4year old. This angers the 9year old

• 9year old: She always copies everything I do
• Me: You are her big sister that's how it works
• 9year old: It sucks
• Me: Sweetie just remember no matter how bad it gets its, my life was worse. I had not one little sister copying everything I do (and stealing all my earrings) but two little sisters that copied me always and on top of that I had a younger brother who was really annoying. So just be happy you aren't living my life. (Heheheh...my version of walking barefoot in the snow uphill both ways).

Finally we are at the check out (I'm not even going to discuss the attitudes and tears in the gift wrapping aisle). Now the 4year old starts saying she is hungry while she drools all over the candy but I know this trick and say your mom will feed you later. I look over and 9year old is looking through some fashion magazine as we wait and I am okay with this until I realize that the magazine she is looking at is Cosmopolitan!!!! I take it away and tell her that is the one fashion magazine she cant read until she graduates high school. For this she glares at me.

Let me say that shopping with these girls was funner when the 9year old was not sullen and angry and the 4year old couldn't walk and didn't have an opinion. We may not be continuing this little traditon much longer.

Lets be honest I cant wait until we go Christmas shopping next month!!!

Where are My Keys or A Day in The Life of Me: Part 2

I really thought after yesterday mornings "kicking" the dog, falling down and up the stairs the rest of the day would be SMOOTH sailing. And most of it was easy peasy. Went to work, had lunch, blogged....pretty good average day. So I was lulled into thinking that the worse was behind me or at least the abnormal parts of my day were over but I was wrong.

Everything was going well until I left work to go take my nieces shopping...oh wait we need to back up a little so I can tell you a very cute story.

Imaging it if you can its Monday night I am laying in bed watching a bit of TV when the phone rings. The caller ID shows my Health Nut Sister calling...but to my surprise it was my 9yr old niece.

"Michael, (notice no Aunt makes me crazy) will you take me shopping to go buy my mom a birthday present/"

"Do you have any money?" I asked even though I know she doesn't.

"Yes I have $8 I want to buy her shoes" (Translate: You will be paying)

"Okay whats your schedule like?" This is a necessary question to ask her because she has dance, soccer, tumbling and gymnastics. She is very busy!

After deciding we will go Thursday I hang up and go back to watching TV.

Less than 5 seconds later my Health Nut Sister calls back only this time its the 4year old, "Michool (Notice no Aunt) you take me shopping to buy my mom a present?" (Now I know I'm paying)

"Yes I will let me talk to your mom."

Mom and I decide Tuesday is a better day I will pick them up when the older one gets out of school.

So know its Tuesday afternoon, I decided to stop by the library and return some books before picking up the girls. While grabbing my books I shut one door of my car and try to open another one when I realized one  very important detail...my car keys are sitting on the front seat and all my car doors are locked!!!!

That's right I locked my keys in my car... that's next to impossible to do in my car but I managed to do it anyway!!!

To make matters worse my cell phone is in my purse that is also in my car!!!

Oh wait I have a spare key that just happens to be in my purse that is still i n my car!!!

So I ponder for a few minutes what my next course of action should be...I walked in the library and politely asked if I can use their phone. Luckily I am a frequent patron of the library and they allowed me to use the phone. I called my dad (his is one of the few cell phone numbers I know) and asked him to call me sister to tell her to pick up the 9year old from school since I couldn't at this point. I then called a friend and asked if I walked over to the police station (her husband is a police officer) would they unlock my car even though they are not suppose to do that anymore. She said probably cause I know some of them.

So off I go to the police station which thankfully is right next to the library and after much pleading and throwing myself on their mercy an officer (said friend's husband) unlocked my car for me. It was not an easy task but he was able to do so....thank goodness for the police!!! (Who says that lol).

After returning the library books I drive to my sister to collect my cute little nieces and to embark on a whole new adventure. 

I will tell you that story tomorrow. 

Dear Aunt Michael

Yesterday I got the following letter in the mail:

Dear aunt Michael 

Thanks for the book!

I had been waiting forever

to get that! I've finished 

it and I couldn't put

it down! I also liked 

the 13 dollars in there!

Thanks!

Its a Thank you note from my nephew for his birthday gift. 

I love to read or hear the words Aunt Michael!!!!

I love being an aunt. 

I work hard at being a good aunt and trying to find out what my nieces and nephews want and are into. 

I think I do a good job. Luckily most of them like to read so a book with money makes a great gift. 

Finding the right book is sometimes a challenge but I enjoy the challenge. 

To my Sisters and Brothers please have more kids!!!!!!!

Vampires and Skinny Jeans

My sister (the Health Nut)is nuts and is currently blaming me for stuff I have no control over.

It all started one night when I received a text from her

• Sister: Remember in the eighties how woman would use hangers to get their skin tight jeans on?
• Me: Yea why?
• Sister: I bought bay some "super skinny" jeans and it reminded me of that when I helped her get them on. Plus I had to take then off her.It was hilarious. And there was these other jeans that had holes in them and she wanted them and I said "baylei they r the most expensive pants here" and she says "yea mom because they are the most awesome pants here." this is your fault
• Me: Take back the skinny ones she wont be able to go the bathroom by herself at school....and I cant help it if she reads fashion magazines.
• Sister: I told her we should get a bigger size and she threw a fit saying they fit perfect and this si the "style mom". Boot cut are "out of style.
• Me: I just saw a spread in my new fashion mag and WIDE leg flairs are currently in

1. See look I am being helpful and giving her alternatives

• Sister: Yea explain that to my 8 yr old that looks at cosmo and says skinny jeans r in. I hate ur guts I am raising a cheerleader.
• Me: I dnt read cosmo I read Instyle and Marie Claire. And I was nvr a cheerleader.
• Sister: Well I read MMA Magazine so she gets this shit from u.
• Me: I dnt even know what MMA is
• Sister: Ugh....
• Me: What....am I suppose to do? 

2. Again being helpful

• Sister: And she wanted dark colors. No bright colors at all. Because of your vampire book. Grays, Blacks, and blues. Thats all.
• Me: Vampires wear red and purple also...she does it cause it annoys u

3. Again I was being helpful.

Ok I will take responsibility for the vampire stuff but she likes to read and she would read the 1st few pages of my books so she could learn more words. This was when she was in kindergarten. What am I suppose to do discourage her reading? I made sure there was nothing bad in those few pages. And thats good right? I know what she was reading.

But a couple of days later she calls me up and without saying anything else she says, "You and I are fighting and you dont even know it." 

She proceeds to tell me its all my fault

Honestly I was nice to my sister I could tell she was under stress what I could have said was...

Excuse me!!! Its my fault??? I remember you always having to look a certain way when you were little and I use to have to get you up before I left for school to do your hair and you always wanted to have perfume on and wear my earring. I cant even count the number of times you lost my earrings because you borrowed them with out asking. And you are still borrowing my accessories with out asking which just proves that she gets it from you and you get it from me. So there.

Sisters....UGH!!!!!!

My life would have been so much easier if I had been an only child.

Its Your Last Chance.

I had one post all ready to go today but this morning decided I need to share another story with you.

Today was the last day of my niece's swimming classes. When I dropped her off she begged me to stay. "But its the last day please come." And since I have a hard time saying no when the answer will let me spend more time with her or avoid work for an hour I agreed to stay and watch her swim.

So imagine if you can I am sitting in a pool chair in my casual work clothes watching my niece swim and every time she does something she checks to make sure I am watching.

But since I am sitting at the pool enjoying the sun and smell of chlorine my mind starts to wonder and I realize that I have not gone swimming once this summer nor have I really enjoyed any summer time activities and summer is almost over.

It officially doesn't end until September 22 but don't you feel like it ends on Labor Day weekend? I know I do.

And Labor Day weekend is in 2 week people...TWO WEEKS!!!!

We need to get out there and do something before another summer is over. Go to the pool, the beach or the lake. Go on a hike or a bike ride. Embrace the sun before its gone.

So everyone reading this get out and do something fun before the summer ends.


Go on get out of here.

Its okay I won't feel bad.

Shoo!!!!!

Today I am a Surrogate Mother

Today I am playing chauffer, entertainment director, hair stylist and cook to my niece and "pseudo" step-son.

It all started lst night when everyone realized that we had scheduled a hair appointment for the "pseudo" step-son the day after school pictures. Not wanting the kid to have hair he didn’t like in his yearbook I offered to get him a hair appointment with a friend and take him to work with me. Not once did I stop and think how I am going to entertain him all day while I am working.

Then my sister asked if I could take my niece to and from swim lessons which is no big deal except I forgot I have a meeting in the morning and I was going to have the leave the meeting to take her to swim lesson. Luckily I have an understanding job.

So far my day as gone like this:

Talked to Ex-wife/Friend trying to find a shirt for "pseudo" step-son to wear in pictures.

Raided "pseudo" step-son closet looking for a semi nice shirt.

Drove to work.

Dropped off dog.

Picked up the niece from parents.

Went to the court to get paperwork.

Meet the Ex-wife/Friend at work to exchange the "pseudo" step-son.

Went to my meeting

Left meeting early

Put a pony tail in my niece’s hair and dropped her at swim class.

Returned to work finished meeting.

Did some work and left again.

Picked up niece from swim class.

Took niece with me to the "pseudo" step-son hair appointment. Decided niece could hang with "pseudo" step-son at my work.

Went to grocery store with kids.

Decided would be easiest to feed kids MickeyD's so no fighting about lunch.

Ate lunch.

Did more work.

Reminded kids this is my work if they want to be loud go to park.

Did even more work.

Reminded kids again this is my work if they want to be loud go to park.

Showed kids the TV at my work. (Thank you Nickelodeon)

Wrote blog.

My plans for the rest of the day is finish work, drop niece off at grandparents, pick up dog, drive home, meet The BF and exchange the "pseudo" step-son, get "pseudo" step-daughter from daycare, go to store again, go home, cook dinner (may be having pizza again)....

Now I want to take a moment to give a shout out to all the moms out there who did this every day. You guys are amazing.

Shaping the Next Generation

It just might be possible that I am a bad influence. And worse than that I might be a bad influence on kids.

I didn't use to think so but after recent event its possible I may have been wrong about any negative influence I have on the their young little minds.

I mean just because my 8 year old niece wears 3.5 inch heels while vacuuming and tends to over accessories or my 3 year old niece only wants to wear Aunt Michael's black, blue and dark purple eye shadows, does not mean I am a bad influence on them right?

I use to think that until Friday night when I was having a particular bad day. I came home from work and decided a cocktail was in order.

I get out my shaker and proceed to mix up what I think is the almost perfect drink to name after myself when I notice my cute "pseudo" step-daughter mix herself up a little drink.

• "Bean what are you doing?"
• "Making a drink."
• "Whats in the cups?"
• "Water and ice."
• "Why are you mixing it like that?'
• "I like my drinks shaken not stirred."

So now I am wondering why do you people let me around your children?!!?

Seriously I should not have any influence on the young.

Advice from Aunt Michael

This post is dedicated to my nieces and psedo-stepdaughter.

If you only learn a few things from me let these be some of the things.

1. The right shade of lip gloss turns a bad day into a good day.
2. When in doubt always add more hair spray.
3. Have at least 3 pairs of cheap stylish sunglasses.
4. This is Utah your hair can always be bigger.
5. Add a scarf. It will make you feel stylish no matter what type of day you are having.

Here Kitty Kitty

My sister and I are in a custody battle. After living together for a year she has decided that she wants to keep a few things that are mine and I have decided I should have mandatory visitation rights to her girls. But these are minor issue compared to the real fight future of MY cat Tigger.

Seriously we are fighting about who should retain custody of a cat. My cat!!!! Who fights about that? My sister and I do!!!! She doesn't even like my cat. She calls her ugly and an asshole. She says my cat is mean and weird. My nieces are always complaining that Tigger scratched them when they tried to pet her. But now that I am moving and taking her with me, my sister wants to keep her.

I randomly get bizarre texts messages like this: 

• Tigger needs to live with us. She is happy here.
• Tigger just told me she doesn’t really like u and wants to stay with me. I think she is at the age where she can decide which parent she wants to live with

 And now she has got my mother to side with her on this matter. My mom keeps saying I worry about Tigger you should leave her with your sister. This is the person who wanted to keep Tigger and after a couple months decided that she didn’t want a cat and told me that I could have her or I could take her to the no kill shelter.

 

These people are nuts!!

My sister wants Tigger to change and be a more lovey cat and is always making her get out of the bathroom sink. I am the only person who loves and understands Tigger. I am the one who found her one dark and stormy night, I am the one who named her, I am the one who pays her vet bills, I am the one who indulges Tigger's idiosyncrasies, I am the one who always makes sure she is in the house at night, I am the one who buys her favorite treats and lets her eat then out of my hand. Not my sister.

She would probably try and keep Tashi also except Tashi gets depressed and possibly suicidal when I am not around.

I think I need to hire an attorney.

Who Let the Dogs Out?

My morning usually follow a pattern of hitting the snooze button, getting up, begging my niece to get up, getting ready for work and getting my niece ready for school. With the exception of an 8 year old melt down (which I always tweet about) and me not knowing what to wear our morning rarely change. Today was one of those rare days.

Every morning my niece takes the dogs out but this morning another dog came by the house and the dogs went to say"hi". After some begging Baylei got my dog back in the house but my sister's dog decided to go for a walk/run. Now this dog is about 50lbs over weight and has a bad knee but when he decides to run he runs!!!! My niece ran upstairs to tell me Bosco ran off.

Luckily I was partially dressed and my hair was done. So I grab my car keys and start driving around the neighborhood. After about 10 minutes of going to his usual spots: the church, the park, the canal but he is no where, I decide to drive back to the house. Then I see a big dog on the corner but as I get closer I realize its Tashi not Bosco...WTH!!!! Tashi was safely in the house!!! How did she get out???? I pull up and open the car door and in jumps Tashi. I turn around to drive her home and Tigger is also out of the house. Seriously? I don’t even have makeup on yet and now all the animals are out and running around the neighborhood.

I quickly walk through the house discover the front door is open (Baylei didn’t close it all the way). I lock up and make sure Tashi and Tigger are safe then go back to looking for my sister's dumb dog. After 10 more minutes I tell Baylei we have to stop we are going to be late for school/work. She was so sad I decided to take a round about way home and what do I see running through people’s yards peeing on their flowers....yup Bosco. I pull the car over open the door and Bosco "attempts" to get in my car but he is so fat he can’t make it and I have to lift him up.

Sometimes you just have to laugh and acknowledge that your life is never going to be "normal". Otherwise you would go crazy.