Sex and Cars...What Else is There to Talk About?

This post is going to get a little naughty. If you are very innocent and blush easily you can still read this post like I said its just a little naughty. I just want to be honest from the get go.

This morning I had another issue with my car. I don't think its a bad car just a cheap car that is approaching 100,000 miles and I am pretty sure it was never suppose to get that many miles, so there are all these little things that are starting to go wrong.

Today my car would not start...when I tried to start it all I got was a lot of click click click noises. Not being as car savvy as I should be, I called a lot of people to figure out 1. Why my car was not running? 2. How am I getting to work and getting the "pseudo" step-kids to their summer program?  3. How will I get home from work? 4. How much will it cost me to fix whatever is wrong with my car?

Luckily my brother works close by my house so he took a few minutes over and determined I needed a new battery, which was not surprising my car still had the original battery and its a 2005. But during the course of all my calling I had the following conversation with my mom.

• Me: Can The BF change the battery when he gets home or is this something I have to have done at shop?
• My Mom: He can do it. You could even do it.
• Me: I couldn't do it.
• My Mom: Yes you could. I could do it. You just unhook it and put then put the new one in.
• Me: I could't do it.
• My Mom: Michael, you could do it, its easy.
• Me: Mom that's why I have sex with The BF so he will do these kinds of things for me.

My mom wisely chose to ignore my last comment, I am sure mostly because she thinks I am a smarty pants. 

Later that day after going to buy a new battery I had the following conversation with The BF.

• Me: Honey thank you for taking out my battery and going with me to get a new one and replacing it. I really apperciate you doing all this for me.
• The BF: The things I do to get laid.

That's right he said that. This is why we are together despite are many many many differences we speak the same language of smutty smart a**.

Yes Mom I will Shoot You in the Head

Awhile back I promised to shoot my mom in the head when the time came. Yes that right I agreed to kill my mom by shooting her in the head. And the members of my family that know about this are okay with it..of course only my 10 year old niece knows I am going to shot grandma.

Before you all start calling my local law enforcement, let me explain the story.

A few months ago my mom texted me asking how to kill zombies. Serious this was the text, she wanted to know how to successfully kill zombies. I told her the best way was to shoot them in the head that way you are not to close to risk getting bit and infected and it still stops them in their tracks.

Cute car bad zombie killer!

She then asked so hitting them with a car wouldn't really work would it? As I thought about the possibility of running over a zombie in my Aveo, I started to wonder why my mother is asking me these questions. Is the Zombie Apocalypse at hand? Did I miss it? Should I pack up the family and head for the hills? I told my mom that unless you were severing the brain stem from the spinal cord it would just slow them down not kill them. And then asked why she needed to know this info.

She explained that she was visiting my Aunt and one of my cousins was playing a video game and was driving around in a car killing zombies and she was trying to explain to everyone that that would not really kill zombies. (This is a real conversation...I seriously couldn't make this up. I am not that creative.)

I find this image at cartoon-icio.ru

Being a smarty pants I told my mom its to bad I really like my Aunt and her family but they will not survive the Zombie Apocalypse. At this point my mom asked if I would take her with me when it happens. As I thought about it I told her yes but if she slows me down I am leaving her behind. My mom agreed to this with one condition...I shoot her in the head so she doesn't become a zombie when I leave her behind. I agreed to this condition rather quickly.

I figured it would be an acceptable action under the circumstances and with the zombies around every corner who is going to worry about me shooting my mom.

A few weeks back my 10 year old niece got in on the conversation...I cant remember everything that was said but she agreed that shooting grandma in the head was a reasonable plan.

And that is how I agreed to shoot my mom in the head when the time is right.

After telling The BF this story he asked what about him...I told him I wouldn't shoot him I would keep him as a zombie chained up in the shed like on Shaun of the Dead. This seemed to upset him for some reason. I am not sure why.

Silver Lining and an Oil Change

I am having a pretty good week...I got back from an awesome vacation to find out my car was fixed!!!! OH YEAH!!!!

Even better the mechanics were able to rebuild my engine instead of replacing the whole thing, saving me a little money. 

And even though it has cost me a pretty pretty penny or 299,202 pennies to be exact but it is fixed and to be honest running better than it use to run. 

So I am looking at the positive now. 

My car is a 2005 model and only had basic upkeep...oil changes and new tires so it probably needed a lot of things replaced sooner rather than later. And while it would have been economically easier to to have them fixed one at a time my car would have been in the shop a lot and that would have been frustrating to me. This way its all done at once and while I was on vacation. 

Now I have been thinking my brakes are still good but maybe I should look at replacing them...they are not new and probably the next thing to need replacing. 

Here is the list of what needed to be replaced and or fixed.

• Spark Plugs (The BF had offered to replace this for me, I just had not bought new ones)
• Spark Plug Wires
• Serpentine Belt (This actually needed to be replaced sooner rather than later)
• Water Pump
• Cheveron Dexcool Antifreeze
• Head Gasket Set
• Head Bold Set
• Timing Belt Set
• Intake Valves
• Exhaust Valves
• Red Label Valves and Guides
• Valve Guides
• Cylinder Head Rebuild
• Install and Size 8 Exhaust Valve Guide
• WIX Protec Oil Filter
• Oil Change (which was over due by a few 100 miles)

Car maintenance is important please don't be the dumb girl I was by not reading, at least the maintenance guide in, your owners manual

I Have a Timing Belt???

I had another post all scheduled for today but based on recent events I felt the need to bump it for this post.

Look its my car when it is working and pretty.

But I have a tale to tell...A very important tale that needs to be told. It is a cautionary tale not for the faint of heart.

I will start with a question...do you get your car serviced like you are suppose? 

I bet you think you do. I bet you are thinking I get my oil changed, rotate my tires, have an emissions test, and do all the other things you have heard about. But did you know that there is a belt in your car and if it brakes it can ruin your engine in a matter of minutes?

That's right if you have a timing belt and if you don't have it checked regularly or replaced when the manufacture recommends you have it changed you can end up paying thousands of dollars in repairs. I know this because it happened to me. 

On Thursday as I was innocently driving home, with the "Pseudo" Step-Kids in the back, my car made a horrible horrible noise. I tried to get home quickly knowing that whatever is about to happen next is going to be bad. But we didn't make it. Soon all the warning lights started to flash and my car stopped...just stopped. 

My car in happier times...despite the snow.

I coast to the curb, put the car in park. Told The BF the car was dead (I was already on the phone with him having called him the moment I heard the horrible noise). The BF said I am on my way at the same time the "pseudo" step-daughter started saying "MJ I have to pee really bad." 

Great just great I am stranded on a hot hot day with a 6 year old that needs to pee. 

I sent the kids to the local fast food chain to use the rest rooms and waited for The BF to rescue me. When he arrives he messes around with the car and tells me he thinks its the timing belt....WTF is a timing belt. 

I didn't even know I had a timing belt in my car. And no one ever told me I might need to get it changed. Not my dad, brother or the people that regularly do the maintenance on my car. NO ONE TOLD ME!!!!

Slightly less happy times but at least my car started.

This upsets me...I am not very car savvy person but I am not an idiot either. I should have been more proactive, I did the things to maintain it that I am suppose to do but I some how missed the part about the timing belt. 

When the timing belt decided to go it cause a lot of damage poking holes in pistons, water pumps and a bunch of other things that are under the hood of your cars. Which then costs over $2000 in repairs. 

Yup over $2000.

I am working on paying for the repairs....I think selling my kidney or prostitution may be the best solutions...don't you?

Please if you are reading this, dont let my suffering be in vain, go get your owners manual or look it up online but find out when you need to replace your timing belt. 

If you drive a Chevy Aveo...its 60,000 miles.

Denial the River in Utah

I don't know about you but I have a bad habit of pretending something doesn't bother me or that a problem doesn't exists or sometimes I have more money than my bank says I have in my account.

Most of the time its little things that are not a big deal.

Right now I am ignoring the fact that I have to put air in one of my tires every few days (sorry dad).

Not a good thing to ignore I know but I am very busy and need my car. So every morning I check the pressure in my tire and then go to the gas station on my way to work if it is to low. I have convinced myself that this is taking less than time than going to the tire place I purchased that tire from. Even though I know they would fix it...I have only had that tire for 3 months (thanks dad).

I figure as long as it is "safe" to drive it can wait a few more days. Like until Friday when I have more time.

Now that I have written and read this post I realize I am being very irresponsible...I am going to have to take time to fix my tire tomorrow.

Its good I blog.

What is That Noise? What is That Smell?

Does this ever happen to you...you are stopped at a red light or the driver through window when all the sudden you hear a horrible noise and you patiently wait for the light to turn green or to get your coffee you pray and cross your fingers that its not your car?

I do that all the time. Even when I know its not my car because there was no noise until some vehicle is behind me but still I panic. I live in fear that something will go wrong on my car. I try and keep her maintained but to be honest she get neglected often. I get busy and forget until I hear some other car making horrible noises and then I am frantic with concern...then the car pulls away and I realize my car is good and forget all about maintaining her again.

Yesterday while driving my little red car I heard a rather startling and unnatural sounding noise (this is actually amazing since I have a tendency to play the radio loud and sing along to the music). Only yesterday I knew it was my car no one else was around.

So the panic starts...I immediately start telling The BF about the noise (he is very handy) he suggests it might be my brake pads...MY WHAT??? (My dad is very disappointed in me right now). He says he can fix them but as I drive though out the day I notice the sound only happens occasionally and then towards the end of the day more often.

By the time I drive home through the treacherous canyon I am in full panic mode wondering how I could possibly fix the problem . Then I notice a weird smell in the garage which I'm sure is coming from my car.

The BF takes my keys and drives my car around, comes home and tells me that he didn't hear anything...are you kidding me?? I said you have to roll the windows down and turn off the heater and radio. He didn't believe me so I make him drive around with me only my car is no longer making any noise and he claims he cant smell whatever smell I am taking about either.

He thinks its all in my head and there is no noise or smell.

This has actually made me very angry. I am not some hysterical person who imagined the noise my 9 year old niece heard it also. He claims its the Emergency brake and I need to use it periodically so it will do something or other...to be honest I stopped paying attention when he was getting technically. But I think its BS who ever heard of the Emergency brake making noise from lack of use.

Serious who has heard of this because I am still all in a panic about my car?

My Permanent Record

 Do you ever wonder what your driving record says about you???

I use to sweat about my driving record a lot when I was younger especially ever time I got pulled over and was facing ANOTHER ticket. As a younger drive I figured speed limits were more of a guide line and less of a rule of thumb so I was getting pulled over often. And every time I would be sweating bullets and wondering how many points do I have on my license and is this the ticket that will be putting me over and getting my license suspended. Luckily that never happened I was always just under the points (good thing they go away after so many years).

But I haven't gotten a ticket in over 10 years!!!! Yup 10 years. That's so awesome!! To be honest its not because I haven't been pulled over it is because I haven't been issued a ticket but I also don't speed around like drag racer anymore so I am breaking less rules.

But I think that all changed on Wednesday when I accidentally ran a red light. And it was truly an accident.

I was driving around in a city I am not very familiar with when I got lost. I am not sure how I ended up lost I was on my way home and I was looking for a coffee shop. The guy at the hotel told me where to find one and in my zest for caffeine I got lost. I was driving and looking around trying to discover my location when I ran a red light.

I swear it was green just seconds before but I noticed as I was driving under it was now red. I have no idea how long it was red and now I am sitting here wondering if my perfect driving record is ruined and I will be getting a ticket in the mail with a picture of me cruising through a red light.

Nothing to do now but wait and see. I hate waiting!!!!

Where are My Keys or A Day in The Life of Me: Part 2

I really thought after yesterday mornings "kicking" the dog, falling down and up the stairs the rest of the day would be SMOOTH sailing. And most of it was easy peasy. Went to work, had lunch, blogged....pretty good average day. So I was lulled into thinking that the worse was behind me or at least the abnormal parts of my day were over but I was wrong.

Everything was going well until I left work to go take my nieces shopping...oh wait we need to back up a little so I can tell you a very cute story.

Imaging it if you can its Monday night I am laying in bed watching a bit of TV when the phone rings. The caller ID shows my Health Nut Sister calling...but to my surprise it was my 9yr old niece.

"Michael, (notice no Aunt makes me crazy) will you take me shopping to go buy my mom a birthday present/"

"Do you have any money?" I asked even though I know she doesn't.

"Yes I have $8 I want to buy her shoes" (Translate: You will be paying)

"Okay whats your schedule like?" This is a necessary question to ask her because she has dance, soccer, tumbling and gymnastics. She is very busy!

After deciding we will go Thursday I hang up and go back to watching TV.

Less than 5 seconds later my Health Nut Sister calls back only this time its the 4year old, "Michool (Notice no Aunt) you take me shopping to buy my mom a present?" (Now I know I'm paying)

"Yes I will let me talk to your mom."

Mom and I decide Tuesday is a better day I will pick them up when the older one gets out of school.

So know its Tuesday afternoon, I decided to stop by the library and return some books before picking up the girls. While grabbing my books I shut one door of my car and try to open another one when I realized one  very important detail...my car keys are sitting on the front seat and all my car doors are locked!!!!

That's right I locked my keys in my car... that's next to impossible to do in my car but I managed to do it anyway!!!

To make matters worse my cell phone is in my purse that is also in my car!!!

Oh wait I have a spare key that just happens to be in my purse that is still i n my car!!!

So I ponder for a few minutes what my next course of action should be...I walked in the library and politely asked if I can use their phone. Luckily I am a frequent patron of the library and they allowed me to use the phone. I called my dad (his is one of the few cell phone numbers I know) and asked him to call me sister to tell her to pick up the 9year old from school since I couldn't at this point. I then called a friend and asked if I walked over to the police station (her husband is a police officer) would they unlock my car even though they are not suppose to do that anymore. She said probably cause I know some of them.

So off I go to the police station which thankfully is right next to the library and after much pleading and throwing myself on their mercy an officer (said friend's husband) unlocked my car for me. It was not an easy task but he was able to do so....thank goodness for the police!!! (Who says that lol).

After returning the library books I drive to my sister to collect my cute little nieces and to embark on a whole new adventure. 

I will tell you that story tomorrow. 

The Road Less Traveled by Me

Today I had to drive to a small town first thing in the morning for work. This is not all that new, I have to do that every Monday through Friday since I moved in with The BF but today I had to drive to a different small town. So instead of driving through the treacherous canyon I was driving through the dangerous wetlands.

Okay so the road is not all that dangerous but when I started on my super early commute the roads were wet and the snow was starting to fall again. And after 6 car wrecks I am a little bit nervous on roads I don't drive on often. In fact I am more at home driving in the city then I am on remote country roads.

With all that in mind I would like to share some of the random thoughts on my drive:

1. OMG....if I lose control of my car and end up in the water it could be hours before anyone notices the top of my little red car.
2. Why are their no guard rails? That is a river someone is going to end up in it.
3. How deep is that water? It looks deep.
4. If that's the Little Bear River where is the Big Bear River?
5. Oh wait that would be The Bear River...I wonder where that is? I think that is something I should know.
6. What are those people doing over their in that boat? Its cold and snowing!!! I bet its duck hunting season
7. Is duck good? Does it taste like chicken?
8. Why is this car going so slow the road is not that dangerous...some of us have to be somewhere.
9. Oh crap I am spending at that's a cop behind me....I hope he didn't notice.
10. I am really in need of about 2 more cups of coffee.

Luckily the cop didn't pull me over. I was only going 5MPH over the speed limit.

I also made it to my destination without incident.

Some days I worry that I may need some extensive therapy...today is one of those days.

I Will Show You a Hand Gesture.

You know that driver that is going 5 miles under the speed limit as you are driving up a very steep mountain, so you change lanes to pass them and they speed up so you can’t pass them. Because you are a good driver you calmly get back into the lane you were in behind the driver who is now going 10 miles over the speed limit. About 10 minutes later he is going 5 miles under the speed limit AGAIN. So you hit the gas and are going 15 miles over the speed limit to finally pass the guy and you decide to glare at him as you pass.

Only he doesn’t see your glare because you are wearing sunglasses and not just any sunglasses but the great big sunglasses that take up half your face. As if you are a celebrity hiding from the paparazzi. So you cruise by this discourteous drive glaring and knowing that can’t see your glare and you wished you had not made a vow to stop flipping off other drivers. (This doesn’t mean I am not telepathically flipping them off but lets be honest its not as satisfying as flipping the bird.)

You wonder is this vow worth it after all some drivers just deserve to receive that special hand signal that expresses so much with so little effort. But them you remember why you made that vow.....

After a great night with family celebrating one of my 5 favorites Aunt's Birthday, my mom, sister and I were traveling home and you all decide it would be a great idea after you put gas in the car to stop by MickeyD's and get a soda after all you love their cokes and its a long drive home (ok only an hour and 15 minutes depending on the traffic). When out of the blue a big truck comes tearing into the parking lot almost hitting your car and them honks his horn at us as if we had done something wrong.

(I hate when people honk at you when they are in the wrong...I know these are the kind of people who blame all their problems on other people and don’t move forward in life because they are to busy blaming instead of moving forward in their lives.)

You are sitting in the back seat and you throw your hands in the air as if to say, "What the hell. Watch what you are doing." But being the girl you are you go on and talk to your mom and sister that is until the guy in the great big truck pulls up to the side of your car and starts yelling at you.

Picture if you can my little red Aveo with my mom driving (who is in need of a hip replacement), my health nut sister who is 8 months pregnant and me all 5'1" of me. And this truck that my car could fit under and a very large and muscle bound guy yelling at us. And we are all in the drive through lane at MickeyD's. Serious I can’t make this stuff up.

The man is yelling that I flipped him off. Now I don’t have a problem flipping people off well them I didn’t and I am the first to admit I flipped people off but this time I didn’t flip him off and even if I had flipped an obscene finger gesture I have the hands of a 12 year old child, people laugh when I don’t it because its funny to see these itty bitty fingers being so aggressive.

And as the man is yelling I am yelling, "I didn’t flip you off." My very pregnant sister was also yelling at the guy and trying to get out of the car to fight the guy and my mom was trying to keep my sister from getting out of the car.

Finally after a few minute the guy drove away we were all shocked. My mom turns to me and asks, "Did you flip him off?" I reaffirm that I didn’t flip off the overly irate man but I wish I had.

You would think that after that I would just flip people off since I am accused of it when I don’t do it. But instead I learned that people are nuts and take offense to nothing and it better to glare at them while wearing my giant dark sunglasses.