Yes Mom I will Shoot You in the Head

Awhile back I promised to shoot my mom in the head when the time came. Yes that right I agreed to kill my mom by shooting her in the head. And the members of my family that know about this are okay with it..of course only my 10 year old niece knows I am going to shot grandma.

Before you all start calling my local law enforcement, let me explain the story.

A few months ago my mom texted me asking how to kill zombies. Serious this was the text, she wanted to know how to successfully kill zombies. I told her the best way was to shoot them in the head that way you are not to close to risk getting bit and infected and it still stops them in their tracks.

Cute car bad zombie killer!

She then asked so hitting them with a car wouldn't really work would it? As I thought about the possibility of running over a zombie in my Aveo, I started to wonder why my mother is asking me these questions. Is the Zombie Apocalypse at hand? Did I miss it? Should I pack up the family and head for the hills? I told my mom that unless you were severing the brain stem from the spinal cord it would just slow them down not kill them. And then asked why she needed to know this info.

She explained that she was visiting my Aunt and one of my cousins was playing a video game and was driving around in a car killing zombies and she was trying to explain to everyone that that would not really kill zombies. (This is a real conversation...I seriously couldn't make this up. I am not that creative.)

I find this image at cartoon-icio.ru

Being a smarty pants I told my mom its to bad I really like my Aunt and her family but they will not survive the Zombie Apocalypse. At this point my mom asked if I would take her with me when it happens. As I thought about it I told her yes but if she slows me down I am leaving her behind. My mom agreed to this with one condition...I shoot her in the head so she doesn't become a zombie when I leave her behind. I agreed to this condition rather quickly.

I figured it would be an acceptable action under the circumstances and with the zombies around every corner who is going to worry about me shooting my mom.

A few weeks back my 10 year old niece got in on the conversation...I cant remember everything that was said but she agreed that shooting grandma in the head was a reasonable plan.

And that is how I agreed to shoot my mom in the head when the time is right.

After telling The BF this story he asked what about him...I told him I wouldn't shoot him I would keep him as a zombie chained up in the shed like on Shaun of the Dead. This seemed to upset him for some reason. I am not sure why.

What's My Name?

This morning driving to work I had a very cute post idea in my head. It was one of those ideas that made me laugh out loud and I thought its Tuesday who doesn't need a good laugh?

But then I got to work and the internet was down and after spending 45 minutes on the phone with our provider...its still not working. Luckily this is only affecting the nonwireless computers and not the laptop. Unfortunately spending all that time trying to fix it (only to discover we need to buy a new piece of equipment) has caused me to forget my cute and funny post idea.

I am hoping it comes back to my tomorrow as I am driving to work.

Now I am a little concerned about the possibility of having a baby. According to a number of friends, that are mothers, your brain turns to "mush" after having a baby. My brain is turning to mush without having one so now I am worried that I will end up with a zombie brain if I am ever do have a baby.

I know I am being irrational and that as I sat on hold with technical support and several stores trying to fix our internet problem my mind had wondered into the crazy zone.

You know that crazy place in your mind. Its that voice you try and ignore or at least muffle that tells you there are monsters under the bed and that noise you heard while in the shower is a crazed psycho killer instead of the cat jumping off the counter.

Occasionally it will convince you of a good idea, like always keeping at least a 1/2 tank of gas in your car. The reason you do this may be nuts (duh Zombie Apocalypse) but mechanically speaking its good for your car. So you ignore the reason and tell your self you are doing it for the car and not because you are delusional.

But deep down you know its because you are crazy.

The Ramblings of a Crazy Woman

There are few thinks in this world that causes my heart to skip a beat and panic like having less than half a tank of gas in my car.

Its a very bizarre weird thing but I am constantly worried about running out of gas and being stranded so the moment I see that I half a tank of gas I immediately make a bee line for the nearest gas station.

Keep in mind that I have never ever run out of gas.

To be honest this fear runs deeper than just being stranded. What if for some reason I need to be able to get in my car and drive away and I don't have the means to get gas. I'm not sure when if ever this situation will arise but if it does it will be one of three scenarios...

1. I will some how end up being chased by a crazed Freddy Kruger/Michael Myers type lunatic and having enough gas in my car and being able to drive far far away is the only thing that will keep me alive.
2. There will be some kind of invasion like that on Red Dawn and making it to the high country to hide out is my best chance to fight with the resistance (WOLVERINES).
3. The Zombie Apocalypse will occur and I will need to escape to a less populated area to meet up with the other survivors.

Which ever it is I am sure you agree that I will need gas in my car.

What are the things that cause you to panic?

Am I Drowning or is This a Zombie Attack?

Last night I did something I rarely do, I put down the book I was reading (despite being at a very good part) and went to bed at a reasonable hour. Shocking I know. But I was tired and wanted to sleep. So off to bed I go.

And I was having one of those really good sleeps...the kind where you would not wake up if a high school marching band was practicing in the room. It was so wonderful until....

I am rudely woken up by a horrible dream. All I remember is that I was driving a car and it drove off an overpass into a lake. Luckily I woke up before my car filled with water.

Why would my subconscious to this to me? I really need sleep lots and lots of sleep but 2 hours before I need to be awake I am wide awake and very upset. Now I am all confused, am I suppose to learn something from this dream? Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Is is some cosmic warning? Is it a message from the future me?

Then I realize I don't care what it means I was wide awake at 4:30 in the morning. I should have been asleep getting the last bit of REM sleep and beauty rest. But it’s because of the REM sleep that I was wide awake at 4:30 A.M. Is that irony?

I cant imagine what the dream means. I rarely remember my dreams. I can’t remember the last one I remembered...oh wait the one were my baby sister may or may not have gotten eaten by zombies because she didn't listen to me. I wonder what that one really meant. I think it was in retaliation that she had a dream and I got eaten but velociraptor.

I wonder if those Internet dream interrupters are accurate. Oh wait I still don't care because I am tired and would rather sleep than get some weird message from my subconscious.

Maybe I will just avoid driving my car over any bridges for a few days, just in case the future me is sending me a warning.

The Zombie Way of Life

So last night I watched one of my favorite movies...ZOMBIELAND!!!! That's right I like the movie Zombieland. It's not that I believe it's an award winning movie but I do believe its a classic zombie movie. Its a wonderful combination of the gore we expect from a Zombie movie and the comedy we enjoy about Zombies. Think Resident Evil meets Shaun of the Dead and they have a child. And I can say this with out hesitation due to my life long love of the zombie movie.

My love affair with Zombies started rather young, I was 7 years old. And one night while at a slumber party at Tiffany's house we watched a most controversial  music video....Michael Jackson's Thriller. We watched all 13.43 minutes and the making of the video several times on VHS. And thus began my life long love of the Zombie and the occult. But being as I was only 7 at the time or maybe 8 I was not allowed to watch Zombie movies and I was not sneaky enough then to figure out how to watch them with out my moms permission. So what would become my obsession with Zombies movies was put on hold until I reached 12 or 13.

At 12-13 I was sneaky enough to figure out how to watch movies my mom was not allowing me to watch. At this time I was watching all the horror movies of the time Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th. Then one day I ran across a classic Night of the Comet. For those of you who have not seen this gem it is about a comet that passes to close to earth and kills most the people on the planet. Some survive and others are turned into Zombies. Soon after I was watching every Zombie movie I could find even old classic ones like Revenge of the Zombie.

I would like to say that my interest in Zombies and the occult has waned over the years but I refer you back to the first paragraph of this post I regular watch movies like 28 Days Later, Resident Evil andShaun of the Dead. I read book called The Zen of Zombies and Surviving the Zombie Attack.  I even took a quiz on Facebook about surviving the Zombie attack. I will survive. I wont have any friends because I will have left them all behind but I figure I am likable I can make new ones with the other survivors.

And since I started this post be declaring my love for the movie Zombieland I am going to share some valuable lessons that I believe can be applied to everyday life.

#1 Cardio: In the movie it was because the fatties got eaten 1st but I believe we all know how beneficial Cardio is to our hearts.

#2 Double Tap:  Its good to make sure Zombies are dead. In real life if you are going to hit someone better make sure they are down. (Not that I condone violence)

#3 Avoid Bathrooms: This is to ensure Zombies don't get you at your weakest time. In real life public restrooms are gross.

#4 Wear Your Seatbelt:  Take it from someone who has been in 8 car wreaks it just makes common sense in the movies and in life. 

#7 Pack Light: Trust a girl who never packs lights...Suitcases are heavy especially if you are running from Zombies and you never use half the crap you take with you anyway.

#17 Don't Be a Hero:  No use ending up dead when faced with impossible odds and your BFF is surrounded by Zombies. Call the authorities or just run.

#18 Limber Up. Just a good practice if your running for pleasure or running for your life.

#22 When in Doubt Know Away Out: When faced with a situation that's new to you always know where your exits are nothing worse then getting stuck at a karaoke bar or devoured by Zombies.

#29 The Buddy System:  There is a reason they teach this in grade school. There is safety in numbers and lets be honest you don't have to run faster than the Zombies just faster then the person you are with.

#31 Check the Backseat: This is a safety rule everyone should follow to avoid being kidnapped, killed or eaten. (I watch a lot of movies and TV)

#32 Enjoy the Little Things: Remember life is not just about work and killing Zombies you must remember to stop an smell the roses every now and then.

And remember that some rules are meant to be broken just choose wisely or you may end up Zombie food.