She's Having a Baby? Maybe!!!!

Last week was a strange week for me, in addition to getting use to my broken wrist, I thought I may be pregnant.

For 6 long days I worried, stressed about and was on the the verge of freaking out about being pregnant.

As you can imagine being 36 years old I have peed on a stick a time or two just to make sure I wasn't pregnant but I never once really thought I was pregnant. In the past it was always more like "I know I am not but just to verify I am taking a test."

This time I really thought I was pregnant. Really I did.

I had even come to terms with the idea of having a baby and started making plans...thought of names.

I even posted on facebook and twitter that I felt a change coming. Now I sit here wondering where is my change? Do I want change? I hate change? Is this my oppurtunity to make a change? Is there change? How many times can I say the word change in one paragraph? I like the song Wind of Change. (8 times).

Now I am slightly disappointed that the results are negative.

You read that right mom! I said I am disappointed.

This is a strange new territory for me. I have been pretty clear on this topic all of my adult life. I didn't want kids. Now I am all confused and reevaluating my path. And its not just me I have to consider, I have to take into account what The BF wants.

Now I am left wondering...do I REALLY want a baby?

There is no easy answer to that but I know I need to do a lot of thinking and talking. And I need to do it soon as my Dr. told me a few years ago...I am not getting any younger.

Regardless I feel like I am at one of those moments in life when you get to choose a new direction. And now I have to ask myself, is that what I want?

And what does The BF want? That to much lets just focus on what I want...I don't know what I want.

I am not a fan of these moments. I was enjoying my life the way it was going. Nice and easy. Now I need to think and have a deep conversation with The BF.  

Don't mind me I am rambling as I do a little soul searching.

And Baby Makes...

I bet you thought I was going to announce I am pregnant. Despite the fact that I have made myself clear on the subject of having kids (like other peoples kids but don't want any of my own), you read that blog title and got your hopes up. Which brings me to today's topic.

Why does everyone want me to have a baby?

Its actually scary how many people want me to have a baby. In recent months I have heard various forms of the same thing...when are going to have a baby?

Its so bad that a few weeks ago when I had the stomach flu that lingered, which was probably stress. (I get am upset tummy every time I am stressed) All my friends and family thought I was pregnant and keep talking about it to the point were I was so paranoid I bought a pregnancy test just to proof what I already knew. I was not pregnant.

A co-worker/friend along with my mom are conspiring together and make comments like they are going to start spiking my food with antibiotics so my birth control stops working. This has made me so paranoid that when my friend was sick with some bronchial cold in the back of my mind I thought she was faking it so she could get access to the antibiotics and start drugging me.

A local prosecutor keeps telling me that I need to have a kid. He thinks it will make me less of a liberal and more conservative. I told him my baby will be a little peace and love hippie baby complete with a fauxhawk, piercing and tattoo. He laughed and said you will be good at it and you will be more conservative.

Even the Ex-wife/Friend is getting in on the act but for purely selfish reasons. She claims I am so good with her kids I should have one of my own. I tried to explain I am goof with them because 50% of the time they live at her house. It would be different if the child lived with me 24/7. She offered to take the baby on her weekends, this is a ploy to have access to a baby without the responsibilities. She is taking a page from my book.

My mother though has gone nuts. She so wants me to have a baby that the other day we had the following conversation:

• Mom: I think you should have a baby
• Me: Are you kidding?
• Mom: Just try it once to see if you like it.
• Me: Just try it!!!! Really!!!! Its not like I can return a baby after a week if it doesn't work out. Or play with it for a couple months then forget about. Or stick it in the closet when I'm done with it. I'm pretty sure you GO TO JAIL for stuff like that.
• Mom: I am sure your sister (referring to the Health Nut one) would take it if you don't want it.

Thank goodness The BF is on the same page as me. Because the rest of you people are all nuts.

Donna Reed I am Not

Saturday evening my "pseudo" step-son asked me if I would take him to his grandma's house. My first response was Why? And did you ask your dad? His response was Dad said to ask you. My confusion was at an all time high until I asked a few more questions. (He has this sweet and annoying habit of starting a conversation in his head then including you half way through it.) What he meant to say was MJ, (that's what my "pseudo" step-kids call me), MJ will you take us to Grandma's house Monday morning so we don’t have to get up when dad goes to work so we can sleep in cause we are on summer break.

You see this week The BF's ex-wife/my friend/mother to the "pseudo" stepkids is on vacation in Pennsylvania visiting her BF, George Glass. (Anyone know that reference?) And in case you haven’t put the pieces together my 1st full week at my new home and I am playing "pseudo" step-mom 24/7. Not the smartest time to move in I know but I was slow connecting those dots and had already made all the arrangements before I realized she was going to be gone.

Luckily for the kids I had a mom who had to work early and I HATED having to wake up to go to the sitters. So I of course said yes I will take you to Grandmas all week. (Gee I am nice). After all I am use to get kids up in the morning, I have been getting my niece up and ready for school for a few years on and off. And these kids don’t even have to be to school just grandmas. That means all they have to be is dressed and surely that wont take long.

I didn’t factor in to the equation that families are different and kids in the same family are different. So they don’t act the same in the morning. Also I didn't account for getting 2 kids up instead of just the one I was use to getting up. I also failed to factor in a new hair cut but that’s another post.

Without boring you with all the details on Day 1 as we are leaving I notice that the "pseudo" stepdaughter's hair is not brushed. So I grab a brush & quickly fix the problem. But she looks at me a little sad, she knows that I am skilled at doing little girl and was hoping for something beyond a quick brushing. I tell her we will do better tomorrow and rush out the door.

Day 2 the poor thing gets a quick rather sloppy ponytail (this is actually rather pathetic because I am a ponytail expert). Thank God my "pseudo" stepson is 13 and can manage on his own.

It’s a good thing I don’t have to do this all the time. They would look like refugees.

Rommates with Benefits?

With the move in progressing right along, The BF and I had a conversation about household responsibilities and groceries and all that other stuff you talk about when you decided to move in with your boyfriend. During the talk I realized that even though to us we are sharing our lives together to the outside world we are roommates. I can not be covered on his insurance and if anything happens to either one of us the other does not get any insurance or survivor benefits.

This is not some silly decision we made to thumb our noses at the world or a political stance, I don’t have anything against marriage. I don’t care one way or the other if people choose to be married but now I feel like I am going to be punished for not doing it. To The BF and I this is how we are choosing to share our lives.

Of course now I am wondering if I am being overly sensitive.

On the upside no messy divorce is in my future.

I Dont have Issues...I have the Whole Subscription

I have been a fairly independent person for a long time or at least I give off that impression. I am very capable and have been taking care of myself and others for a long time. About 5 years ago I realized that while I was independent and not only enjoyed but relished living by myself I am very codependent person. So I do what I always do when I want to solve a problem I bought several books read them, completed the workbooks and really strive to have positive healthy relationships. And I believe The BF and I have this and while we are not perfect we are pretty good.

Recently The BF asked what was the holding me up from moving to Logan all week. And my answer at the time was I haven't had time to move all my stuff to Logan...its just been easier to trickle to Logan rather than to do one big move.

My Monkey and My Tiger

But I don't think that is the real reason....I think that I am still pretty codependent with my family. Specifically my mom, my health nut sister and 2 of my beautiful nieces (I have a 3rd niece who I adore also but she lives in another city and 2 other siblings but they also live in other cities.). To be more specific my 2 very cute nieces.

I see them often mostly because I live in the same house as they do. But even when I didn't live with them I have been a presence in their lives helping to shape them into well adjusted people. Okay maybe well adjusted is a stretch but at least they will be fun. On more than one occasion my sister informs me that one of them has done something just like me. Ashton needs to wear "lippies" (lipstick) whenever possible & Baylei will not vacuum unless she has high heels to wear while doing it.

I am resisting the path my life is moving because they will no longer be a daily part of my life and it makes me sad. And while The BF has 2 great kids that I really like and are lots of fun I have been a almost daily part of these two girls life for the last 4 years. What will I do without My Tiger (Baylei) and My Monkey (Ashton) to bother me, harass me, get into my makeup, drop off at school, take to soccer and get in my way?

Yes, I am that Lazy

This morning while I was laying bed listening to the psedostep-kids playing and drinking my 1st cup of coffee*, I start to smell the delicious breakfast The BF was cooking. I roll over to send a text message to The BF telling him how yummy breakfast smells.

It dawns on me that I am incredibly lazy. I could have very easily got out of bed and talked to The BF but I choose to text message someone who is down the hall. I love technology.

*I need to add a quick side note of appreciation..most weekends The BF brings me coffee in bed. Sometimes I bring it to him but most the time he spoils me and I can not express how grateful I am at this little act of kindness.

My BF Left Me For His Ex-wife

Yes...It’s true on Saturday evening The BF left me for his ex-wife. I was neglected in my time of need. I was desolate and all alone and had control of the TV remote.

So maybe he didn't really leave me.

Maybe he just went with his ex-wife  (my friend) and his kids to go to a Monster Truck Event.

Maybe it was his son's B-day and his son wanted to go to the event

And maybe he asked me if I wanted to go with them and I said HELL NO.

So maybe he asked his ex-wife to go with him and the kids because it was a birthday thing.

Maybe just maybe I am being a bit over dramatic.

And it is very possible that I was OK with him taking the ex-wife to the Monster Truck Event.

Picture BF sent me from Monster truck

Even though the entire time he was gone I didn't get any texts unless I initiated them, and then all I get is a picture and OK response.

And this bizarre spark of possessiveness has nothing to do with the stupid dream I had Thursday night and the text conversation I had with him the next morning about the dream...OK maybe it does have something to do with that dream and conversation.

• Me: Oooohhhh I'm so mad @ u. I had a dream about u & u were not behaving well.
• BF: OK what was u doing?
• Me: Not me u were being bad & I dnt mean naughty bad...i dreamt we were @ ur wedding (not 2 me) & b4 the ceremony you kept trying to get me alone (no idea why i went) so you could make out w/me. I asked why ur getting married 2 her if u wnt 2 b w/me & u said I dnt know why I'm marrying her then u tried 2 kiss me...i tld u i dnt kiss married men & walked off 2 sit in a church pew & wait 4 the ceremony
• BF: Ok that doesnt sound like me at all
• Me: Well thats what you did & i woke up all broken hearted
• BF: it was a dream dear just let it die as one
• Me: I know & there were several things in that dream you would nvr do it just seemed so real
• BF: and if it really happened you would not go to the wedding
• BF: sorry I still love only u
• Me: I love u
• BF: xoxoxo have a good day @ work

And I am not jealous he left me to go with his ex-wife but I was sick and needy and felt momentarily abandoned when he left. Then I got hungry and wanted someone to get me food only no one was there to care for me. And then he didn't text me and normally I wouldn't have cared but I was taking to much cold medicine and was feeling discarded.

 It’s good he doesn’t read my blog!!!

There's a Reason Valentine's Day is Abbreviated VD

I’ve never been one to celebrate Valentine's Day in any big way. I believe it is a stupid fake holiday foster on us by greeting card, flower and chocolate industries. Because saying I love you with roses, sappy card and a box of chocolates will surely make up for not saying it the other 364 days of the years (365 if it’s a leap year). What’s even more annoying is people saying Happy Single Awareness’ Day...when I was single I didn’t need a day a year to be aware of my status I was happily aware of it every day of the year.

Of the 35 V-Days I have been alive I have only had a BF for 3 of them and only celebrated 2 of those years. One year I was out of town (on purpose) and one I was working 14 hour days and was not in the mood for more than pizza and a movie. That year the then BF and I watched Jaws 1 & 2 and Deep Blue Sea cause nothing says I love you like a few killer sharks. And until this year it was the best VD in my life. However The BF did a good job this year. Last year we had just started dating and being that our relationship was new we really didn’t do anything to celebrate but this year was a different story.

This year since The BF had his kids this weekend we had a perfect low key weekend full of hear-shaped pizza, brownies, The BF’s perfect steak, movies and gifts. No pressure and The BF does listen to me because he got me exactly what I wanted (this is important after all my Love Language is gifts). He even put it in a pretty bag with tissue paper and everything.

And as I am gracefully aging (or fighting against it tooth and nail) I have recently started honoring this day by trying to do a little something extra for the people in my life that I love. After all who says that it has to be about couples why not appreciate all your loved ones in a small way. Now I know I must be getting old.

Its All About the Candy

My family has a tradition of making glass candy every year for Christmas. We always make it the weekend after Thanksgiving (I think we have done it early once or twice). Of course we all keep some for ourselves to eat all season long (not me I don't like it) and we all have a list of people we will be giving it to for Christmas gifts. I would like to know when and where this tradition started because to be honest it’s a little sadistic picking up hot candy to cut into bite sized pieces. I think I have permanent blisters on my thumbs.

I don’t know when the tradition started but I remember being a little girl watching my mom, aunts and grandma talking and laughing while making candy. They would have powdered sugar head to toe from "sifting" the candy. I remember clearly thinking I can’t wait until I get to help because that means I am no longer one of the kids but an adult. It’s a very silly thought of a little girl and when I finally got to help it was a lot more work then they made it look. Never mind that I really didn't like the candy (I prefer anything with chocolate) but in my young mind the moment I was old enough to help meant that now my family has to take me seriously cause I am an adult.

I am no longer a kid and I have been helping to make candy for years or at least when I am around. For the last several years we have traveled to my Aunt Dana's house to make candy. And after all the years we have perfected the art of making candy. Our family has expanded and most the grandkids have kids of there own which means that candy making has taken on a life of its own. Just to give you an idea of how much candy we make each batch of candy makes 3 cups of candy. This year we made...

• 9 Spearmint (white)
• 9 Lemon (yellow)
• 9 Peppermint (blue)
• 8 Butter rum (light yellowish brown)
• 9 Orange (orange)
• 9 Root Beer (brown)
• 10 Cinnamon (red)
• 10 Licorice (black)

That’s a grand total of 219 cups of candy. Yes that’s right 219 cups of candy!!!! Of this I wanted 3 cups but I think I ended up with 5-6 cups. Which is fine The BF fell in love with the candy and wanted to keep it all for him. HE hid it from me so I wouldn’t give it to other people. Luckily I am sneaky and he did a poor job of hiding it.


Lots and Lots of Candy

Title: Hardtack/Glass Candy

Ingredients:

1 c. water
2 c. sugar

3/4 c white corn syrup

1/4 tsp food coloring

1 tsp candy flavoring

Directions:

Boil water, sugar and white corn syrup to 250 degrees. Add coloring then boil to 285 degrees add flavoring, remove from heat stir and pour on buttered cookie sheets, cut into small pieces while still hot.

Throw pieces into a big bowl of powdered sugar. When all candy is cut and in the powered sugar, sift sugar off into another bowl and pour candy onto table. Make several batches of different colors and flavors. When done, mix all colors/flavors into one big pile, and eat in whatever order your OCD mind wants!! Save some powdered sugar to make frosting to use on sugar cookies.

Last years pile of candy.

This year was the first year I took The BF with me to make candy. That’s not really fair to say since we were not dating last year so of course this is the first year I took him.. And even though I told him not to he insisted on wearing one of his many, many Dallas Cowboy jerseys (I am rolling my eyes as I write that).

I told him it would get dirty but he stated he is not going to help make whatever candy we are making so no worries. I tried to warn him about the powdered sugar and the hoards of little kids running around on a sugar high touching everything but he did not heed my warnings.

So we arrive with his 2 kids in tow at my aunts house, were candy making had already begun. I immediately grab an apron and begin cutting candy. As we are cutting, eating and laughing The BF is quietly sitting on a chair watching us. He is a great help though as he is helping pour sodas for kids he doesn't know and opening the door when ever we ask.

During this process The BF kept getting closer to the action until he finally picked up a pair of scissors and was helping. His jersey did end up with a mystery red stain and covered in powered sugar but luckily I am a pro at laundry and got the stain out. The issue of me doing his laundry is for another day.

Top 10 Reasons I Said NO to Kids!!!!

This post is not about hating kids because I don’t. I love/adore the kids in my life and there are a lot of them. It’s not about mocking or being mean to people who made the decision to have kids.  I am not claiming to be right or that my reasons/decision is right for everyone. It’s about my personal decision to not have kids.

1. I like SLEEP. No I LOVE SLEEP!!!!!! Its one of my, all time, top ten favorite things to do. As far back as I can remember I have loved sleep and I am very very very BITCHY when you interrupt my sleep. As a teenager no one wanted to wake me up. Often my sainted mother would send my baby sister to wake me up. Everyone knew I would not yell at her. In college I rarely had a class before 10AM. And if it was before 10AM I was often late to class.
2. POOP. Poop its gross and disgusting. I can deal with vomit but poo is just icky.
3. TEENAGERS. They are scary nothing more needs to be said.
4. TEMPER TANTRUMS. Every time I go to the grocery store there is some child throwing a fit. And I know it’s because the parent has told the child no and the child thought "hey we are in public there is no way I'm going to get paddled for this". And since you can no longer paddle a child in public the kid is right, leaving mom/dad with a screaming child in the middle of the store.
5. NICE THINGS. I have nice things and I would like to keep them looking nice. And I don’t like to share my things.
6. SPONGE BOB/THE WIGGLES. I hate children’s programming. In fact they make me want to commit extreme acts of violence like throwing the TV out of the nearest window just so I never have to watch children’s TV programming again.
7. TV/MOVIES. I like watching TV and movies that should not be watched by anyone under the age of 25. Mostly because of the content and no one under 25 will get understand the movie/TV. After all those are the best shows to watch.
8. DARK SENSE OF HUMOR. I have a very dark/strange sense of humor and I think that it’s best I don’t inflict future generations with my views. After all we don’t need more Girls Named Michael running around this planet
9. I'M OLD. If I was to get pregnant today I would be about 53 yrs old when the child graduated form High School. I know 53 is not old but who wants to be raising a teenager in their 50s. Isn’t that when you are suppose to start enjoying your life; not doing homework, and running said child to school activities and friend’s house.
10. SELFISH. I am selfish I know this and I am ok with it. Kids take a lot of time and effort. Time and effort I would rather be spending on something else like reading, shopping, The BF or my blog.

Now all my friends with kids are going to be saying but its different when its your own kids and I know that. I get that the love you feel for your children is amazing and makes it all worth it. This post is to point out to myself why I have made this choice. Now that my "time is running out" (see Tick Tock Tick Tock ) I hear that fucking biological clock tick tick ticking and I need to remind myself to hit the snooze button or I am going to start flushing my birth control pills. Thank goodness the BF doesn’t read my blog. Maybe I should buy some condoms just in case.

To Trick Or Not To Trick That Is The Question.

Note to reader this is a post that I started but didn't publish when I was under the influence of a lot of cold medicine recently. It is unchanged other than spelling and grammatical corrections.

Saturday The BF & his ex-wife (my friend) took their rugrats trick or treating. And they both invited me to go. I declined but my decision has come under fire.  Okay not under fire but I was told I was being selfish & I was missing out on any amazing experience. Seriously amazing experience!!! Please explain how Trick or Treating is an amazing experience.

I believe I  get to excuse myself from certain children related activities as an Aunt and GF.

1. Sporting events.... I don't like sports except football.
2. Attending school plays/programs. When my schedule permits I will be there but I feel no quilt when I can't.
3. Trick or Treating.

I believe that my job as GF is to be supportive of the BF & when he has the kids to cook food they will eat & plan age appropriate activities.

To be honest Halloween lost most of its appeal when at the age of 13 my my mom told me I was to old to go trick or treating but I could instead have a Halloween party. Don't get me wrong I love getting dressed up in a costume but over the years my excitement has decreased to a mild enjoyment and to be honest I only really like the holiday anymore because candy always goes on sale the day after Halloween;  fun sized snickers YUMMY.

But as for me being selfish...possibly but it was really cold and raining.

I Promise To Be Good

Its possible I have died and gone to hell. I'm not sure how I have deserved the fate I am currently living. I know God does not give us more than we can handle without His help but the Man Upstairs and I are seriously going to have a discussion when we meet.  I have had the weekend from HELL. The kind of weekend that reminds me why its good to be childless and to pray that menopause comes early for me.

Me in the Corn Maze

FRIDAY: THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN LIVE!!!!

After a lovely steak dinner The BF decided that he wanted to take the kids to a corn maze. Being me I was not the least bit prepared to be outside after dark. I had no warm clothing and as usually did not have any proper shoes. This however is not my major concern, I can borrow a sweatshirt and hat and I am willing to sacrifice a pair of cheap shoes to entertain the kids. My concern was that I HATE corn mazes and scarecrows. This was not always the case and it has nothing to do with seeing Children of the Corn the movie. I saw that when I was very young and other than helping me to become a very twisted woman it had no effect on me at all. I use to love corn mazes especially during October when they are haunted. I love being scared and being lost in a corn maze. I use to drag people to them all the time. But I read this book (see Books Books and more Books) that caused me to be freaked out by corn mazes and scarecrows for the rest of my life. In the book the killer was killing people and then hanging them in corn fields as scarecrows. Rather freaky I know. Now driving by a corn field traumatizes me and being in the corn field after dark was making me woozy and light head. Plus it was at night and I was very disoriented the whole time. Did I mention the bales and bales of HAY? No!!!!! I am allergic to hay and even though I was in the corn maze I came home (the BF's house) covered in hay. Causing me to have massive breathing issues all evening.

SATURDAY: SCREW SLEEPY HOLLOW WE HAVE HAUNTED HOLLOW



Nothing scary. YET!!!!

On Saturday after we got very wet at the local Pumpkin Festival with the kids we decided since its muddy and cold lets go to the Haunted Hollow. Nothing says fun like going to a Haunted Hollow with a 12 year old and 5 year old.  Once again I don't have proper clothing so I had to borrow a jacket but I did get a good pair of shoes. (It doesn't matter if they are the only practical shoes I own). So here I am surrounded by hay AGAIN walking through a Haunted Hollow (which was actually very well done) holding the hand of The BFs 5 year old daughter while she freaks out at all the scary people jumping out and yelling at us to get out of the Hollow. When she is not scared stiff she is hiding behind me. And the 12 year old is walking through with his ears covered cause he doesn't like loud noises. At one point the 5 year old actually jumped into my arms. After we "escaped" she asked if we can go again. Of course that wasn't enough they then wanted their pictures taken with the pioneer scarecrows at the entrance. Are you serious???

SUNDAY: OMG ITS A GIANT MOUSE!!!!



Chuck E Cheese

On Sunday my sister decided we would celebrate my nieces birthday at the most horrible place for an adult to be...CHUCK E CHEESE'S. Apparently my sister hates all the people in her life.  There is no place more horrible for a single adult to be then Chuck E Cheese. Its full of children running around on a sugar high trying to get to every arcade game and ride possible before running of tokens. Its left to the parents to hold tickets won and keep track of shoes, socks, jackets and any other thing the child has decided to drop in their wake. Not being a parent you would think I was excused from participating in this fun activity. Nope being dad's Girlfriend and an Auntie means everything gets handed to me and I am expected to keep it all straight. The worse part was the giant mouse (see Hickory Dickory...OMG Its A Mouse.) I don't like people in costumes that cover their faces and I really don't like people who dress as giant mice. (Yes that means you Mickey Mouse)

So what I am left asking myself on this Monday after the carnage, is what did I do that was so horrible that I am now in hell? And would I change anything known this is where I would end up? I don't think I would. The look on my nieces and the BF's kids faces was all worth the torment I know face.

I Need the Keys to Your Kingdom...Please!!!

My boyfriend won’t give me a key to his house or the code to his garage. Its not that he doesn’t trust me, at least I hope that is not it. He trusts me enough to take care of his kids when he has to work and get them to school, fed and on time. I help cook at his house, do our laundry and vacuum (I only vacuum cause my dog sheds and I refuse to leave her behind each weekend). But I don’t deserve a house key!!!

I really don’t understand. We have known each other for almost 14 months and dated for 10 of those months but still no house key for me. I spend 3 out of 7 days a week at his house, I think at that point you say “Honey, here is the key to my house.” After all I have a key to my friend’s house to use when she is out of town. She doesn’t even have a key to her house. In fact she asked me the other day to borrow my key so she could make a copy of it.

Normally the BFs issues don’t bother me, really WTF do I care if he has some weird control issue. After all I have 1 or 2 control issues myself. However, I think at this point I have earned the right to be able to enter his home when he is not there. Not that I plan on doing that. I only want to do that on occasions like on Friday when The BF is running late and I am suppose to meet him at his house but he is not there so I have to wait for him outside in my car when its hot so I have to run the air conditioning and waste gas which I can’t afford.

And you know if the roles were reversed he would be demanding a key to my house. But when ever I say anything he gets all defensive and acts like I am asking for a kidney. I have tampons in his bathroom, clothes in the closet and all my CDs are there but I can’t get a key.